Do you want your marriage to be like that? Do you think the husband in this example will go out of his way to do something nice later?
If he's a good husband, you bet your keester he will.
Cheer Him/Her Up
When your spouse snaps at you, the odds are that it isn't you he/she is upset with. Even though he/she shouldn't take out his/her anger on you, sometimes it will happen anyway. Show me a person who has never made a mistake, and I'll show you this bridge in Brooklyn I've got for sale.
When the horns come out, it's time to step it up and really go all out to put a smile back on his/her face. This kind of acting out, while unfair to you, is a sign that he/she really needs you. This is exactly the sort of thing that your relationship is for: to help each other, to be there for each other.
It is all too easy to take a lashing personally, and down that road lies bitterness. Even if your spouse makes it personal, you have to be stronger than that. You have to put your spouse first, recognize the need for what it is, and do your part. If you can pull it off, he/she will apologize later - but save it for later. If you fire back, or even get defensive, then the battle is on, and no matter what happens, you'll both lose this round.
Instead, don't take what he/she says to heart. Do something way out of the ordinary. Take him/her out to dinner, right on the instant if you can. Give him/her a massage. Do something really above and beyond, preferably something romantic. Once you've blown him/her away, the defenses will be down, and you can get to the heart of the problem, and help him/her through it.
And you need to do it all with a smile, because it is all for him/her. For your love. And because he/she will someday do the same for you. That's what love is: setting aside your own "needs" for the other.
To Forgive is Divine
This should go without saying, but when times are tough, it can be tough to remember. There will come a time in every marriage where things will get bad. They will get so very bad that you think you can't go on. Those thousand little cuts have taken their toll, and you know you've been deeply wronged. You know that your spouse owes it to you, if he/she still cares at all, to do something to prove his/her love to you first. And you're not wrong.
But, have you forgotten? Marriage isn't about you. These are the times when you need to follow the rules most. You've both been hurting each other. It doesn't matter how much, how often, or even if he/she has failed you time and again. Keeping score doesn't help, and just makes you both focus more and more on the negative, and on yourself rather than your spouse.
When things are this bad, no matter the reason, you cannot depend on your spouse to step up and do his/her part to save the marriage. He/she might be thinking the very same thing. And, in this case most of all, it does not matter who is right or wrong. To be blunt, you are both wrong in a vastly more important way, because you've both neglected your most important duty: putting your spouse first.
Yes, it matters that you hurt. Yes, it matters that he/she wasn't there for you when you needed him/her. Yes to it all. But when it all comes down, is any of it more important to you than your love for each other? If your answer is “yes”, then it is you who has withdrawn from the marriage.
Your spouse is your ultimate source of joy, and your very best friend. You share each other's lives. If you are more concerned with what's bugging you than what's happening to your marriage, then you have failed.
There is no excuse. If it comes to that, it does not matter in the slightest what he/she has done, or failed to do. You gave up on your love. In a very real sense, you are the one who is throwing it all away.
But love is a magic thing. It can recover from any wound, if only you give it a chance. The moment you realize how things stand, forgive everything. Everything. Then say you're sorry, because you should be. You almost threw away your marriage, your love, your joy in life, and all over a collection of small things that, when you really think about it, do not matter. Not compared to your marriage.
