This is how I did it:
First of all you need to establish what you want out of this relationship and what part you want to play in your significant other's life.
We all like to think that we are the most important person in someone's life.
Therefore we like it when men tell us that we are and show it.
However a married man makes you believe that you are, until you start wanting more.
The minute you expect him to give you more, it's when the lies get stronger and you keep getting hurt.
This is not a healthy relationship by any means.
Married men, almost never leave their wives and family for a mistress. I know it's a hard word to use and describe those of us who have been involved with a married man before. Because we don't feel like that. We feel special, and loved and cared for. However this is what we are to them. We are their mistress.
It's hard to understand something like this when you are in the relationship. You have invested so much time and feelings into this person, and the thought of breaking it up makes it almost impossible to do.
We are ill. We contract an illness. This illness is called “co dependency” and whether or not we are suffering we are becoming ill. So in order to start a recovery we need to identify the symptoms.
Symptoms
- If you are no longer happy, if you spend most of your time thinking if he is going to leave his family and finally make a life with you
- If all you are getting are promises of a future life together but with no results or straight answers to your questions
- If most of the time you are feeling down
- If you have fights more times than you did before
- If you are no longer feeling worthy … you are sick. And you are in a sick relationship.
This is when you need to leave.
I know that for some of you it may sound easier said than done, but if I was able do it, anyone can.
You need to restore your confidence and worth upon yourself.
If you don't value yourself no one will.
You need to make him understand where you stand and how you are not willing to stay in that relationship anymore.
How to Do It
If you were ever a smoker you would know that the way to quit smoking is not by smoking less and less every day. This is a habit. And we as human beings are animals of habit.
Therefore you have to quit once and for all.
If you think that breaking up and staying friends is the way to go, to detox yourself slowly from him, I can tell you in advance you are wrong.
Same with this. First of all you need to convince yourself this is what you want and that you deserve better.
Once you are convinced about that, you break it off with him. You need to be firm. This is the type of relationship that doesn't even deserve a “goodbye dinner”. This is the type of break up that you should do over the phone and then change your number.
If you are going to do this, you need to rip it from the root.
You tell him that if he ever calls you again you will tell his wife about you.
You change your hangout places for a while.
You ask your girlfriends not to accept his phone calls.
You ask the receptionist at your office to tell him you are in a meeting all day or are not available.
It will take all the strength you've got. But you can do it.
I am a firm believer in the AA philosophy and way of recovery, which is: one day at a time. Only for these 24 hours. So only for these 24 hours, I will keep myself busy enough and not think of him. Only for today I will fill my schedule with things to do, so that I don't have time to pick up the phone and call him. Only for today if I get the urge to call him I will call a friend and talk to her instead.
If you follow this philosophy of life, you will be able to achieve this and recover your self esteem, your life, you will stop living a lie, you will stop making excuses for him, and most important you will heal! You will be able to start another relationship when you recover. A successful one this time, because you would have been able to identify the symptoms of an illness that you don't want to have again.
You can do it!
