How about when you win an argument but instead of feeling good about yourself you feel dirty or when you lose not just the argument but also a little of what was good about the relationship?
Yet arguing is often vital to the success of a relationship. Everybody is different, disagreements will occur. Without argument or discussion the disagreements will pressure-cook until the relationship explodes.
My first husband was a peace-loving soul, he would go out of his way to avoid strife, even to the point of agreeing with everything I said. Nothing got resolved - it made me so wild I once threw an entire dinner service at him, plate by plate, to provoke a reaction. I didn't succeed, its no wonder the relationship failed.
Arguing constructively actually grows and improves relationships. Even if you personally lose the argument if you embarked on it and continued with it with the right attitude you win and hopefully so does your partner. Of course that is the ideal scenario and often it happens that way because if you fight well it inspires the other person to do so too. But sometimes the other person is just not as "grown-up" as you are, they may game-play, commit fouls and maybe even win but they also lose much more than an argument. If that is the case wait until the mood is again sweet between you then get him or her to read and discuss this article.
They key to arguing well is of course good communication.
Timing is an essential component of good communication. Obviously we can't always choose the right time, sometimes arguments blow up at the worst possible times. But if we can choose we increase the chances of success.
Don't choose to argue as you are both rushing to get ready for work or when you know your partner has had an exceptionally tough day and needs your support - not you too, climbing into him!
Never, ever argue in public, its demeaning, embarrassing and could also get unwanted third parties involved. One year, in Greece, whilst sitting in a taverna, drinking a cup of coffee and minding my own business I heard an altercation between the patronne and the waitress. They became more heated, their voices rose, she began to week and the other Greeks in the taverna started joining in. Some were egging him on, others supporting her, chaos reigned supreme!
You want your partner to really listen to what you are saying so you must be prepared to really listen to him/her too. So often, in the heat of battle we are marshalling our own thoughts and our next retort and not listening. She could be telling you something of vital importance to her and therefore to the argument.
When people don't listen I understand what Archie Bunker meant when he said “ the trouble with you Edith is that I'm talking in English but you are listening in dingbat.”
NEVER:
- Drag up things that happened in the past. Stay in the present.
- Respond to a complaint or criticism with one of your own. Insult ping-pong is childish.
- Hit below the belt to wound deliberately
- Expect the other person to know how you are feeling or what you are thinking
- Generalise - saying “you always…” or “I never…”
- Assume you know how he is feeling and what he is thinking
- Indulge in the silent treatment or walk away (unless briefly and just to cool down, in which case say something like “I'm just going for a walk to clear my head, I'll be ten minutes then I will be ready to help resolve this.).
- Give ultimatums
- Hold on to the need to be right - even when you are beginning to suspect you may be wrong or that you are both to blame
- Accuse by using "you" i.e. “You are a selfish pig, you knew I would worry.” Rather, for true understanding use “I” “I was really worried about you when you were late.”
ALWAYS:
- Deal with the issue causing the most heartache first. If you build up agreement on that one the others will fall into place more easily.
- Be honest and don't beat about the bush. Quite often we go round and round a subject we feel sensitive about instead of diving into the heart of it.
- Explore your feelings and needs and in return, your partner's
- Care for your partner's feelings and expect the same in return
- Look for win-win solutions - they are there
- Discuss your differences with an attitude towards discovery
- Remember, the object is to really understand each other in order to resolve the problem(s) and grow closer. Always work towards that goal and enlist your partner to do so too.
A friend and her husband used to have acrimonious, violent and damaging arguments until they drew up a charter based on these rules. When they felt an argument coming on they'd get out a bell which one or other would ring to draw attention to the fact that they were getting away from constructive discussion and heading towards mud-throwing. It worked and after 22 years they are still together.
As my Grandmother used to say “play nicely in the sandpit children.”
