How to be in the Driver's Seat When Dating

by Fay Maguire, Jun 29, 2008

Sometimes people find themselves in a cycle with relationships where they are too often on the ‘losing side’ – feeling weak and not in control of how things are going.

Do you often find yourself thinking…

They don't care about me
They never listen
Their work/friends/hobbies are more important to
them than me
They don't think this is as important as I do
They're unreliable and untrustworthy
I feel needy and I hate it

What's going on here?

When you talk to a person with confidence, they will be much more attracted to you than if you approach them in a way that communicates neediness, fear and anxiety. Easier said than done, of course.

The bottom line is that potential partners aren't attracted to people who are eternally letting their emotionscontrol their actions.

Needy people frequently use words like "always" and "never" - they talk in absolutes rather than meeting someone half way. They assume that because someone does a certain thing, they have different motives than they would in the same situation - for example if someone's late, they are automatically doing it on purpose, rather than getting stuck in traffic or a million and one other innocent reasons, and this leads to drama and conflict that needn't be there.

Overly needy people have trouble being fun and playful in a way that brings them closer to a date and ticks the boxes for a long term relationship. Some people meeting needy dates describe politely it as having no "spark", whereas what they often mean is their date put them off with their desperate attitude.

What can you do to stop communicating the kind of insecurity that condemns you to failure before you even begin?

Avoid negative people

They will drag you down rather than boost your confidence, even if they do act as if they know the meaning of life and have plenty of advice. Try to stay in the company of those in a similar boat to you so you can share experiences and get reassurance - sad to say married and co-habiting couples are often just not that interested in your dating issues and may make you feel more isolated than ever.

Don't be too available

You don't have to answer the phone or text straight back. This applies to all your relationships by the way - do things in your own time.

Don't call

Don't call more than once a day, unless they have. They may seem pleased to hear from you, but you will quickly begin to seem like a drag if you're always in touch. No harm in letting people think you're busy, even if you aren't.