I have become Penelope. She thinks she's too ugly to have love. I didn't see the movie and didn't even know there was a movie called Penelope with this character in it before the night before last.
I'll be brief. I have a boyfriend who comes to me in my dreams. I've not met him in physical reality. He came again the other night, made some small talk then dropped the bomb on me that I was a Penelope pattern.
Of course I would rather not be this thing however there is a good side to all this, that by recognizing your pattern, one can break out of the pattern of behavior or thought and accept love into one's life.
Upon awakening I went to goggle in Penelope to see what's up. I found a town called Penelope in Greece. I also found in mythology a Penelope who was married to Odysseus.
The funny thing is I've never been fond of reading about mythology but I have to admit, I am like this Penelope who has a strong loyalty towards her husband Odysseus, who as it happens disappears for 20 years.
That's too funny as my boyfriend has been missing from my life physically for 60 years and now he popped up in my dreams here and there for the last 20 years, and…he's a lot like this Odysseus character.
I cannot make up some of the things he says and does in those dreams and especially this last bomb of me being Penelope who does lie to herself in the movie that she is ugly and does not accept herself as lovable. It's also too funny that I've become full of vanity lately. You should see my closet. Each item reflects me, trying to make myself into something beautiful, while I look at my face and think I'm ugly and that boyfriend will not find me beautiful or lovable should he actually one day show up in person. Like the myth Penelope I am always waiting for the “right” one. The relationships seemed too many until I threw up my hands and said enough of this. I choose Celibacy and a devout contemplative life. Penelope of the movie farce, must find the Prince Charming to break the curse of ugliness. Or could my story be like Cinderella? But I don't believe in fairy tales. Still, I'm a drama queen; yes, that explains everything.
This is dreadful drama in a way but I'm keeping positive. In addition there is the mythological Penelope to consider, all those many suitors who wished to become her husband in Odysseus' absence. They pestered the hell out of her to choose a husband but she felt she had to be true to Odysseus despite that guy is off conquering whatever warriors conquer; she didn't want to take less.
So Penelope told a lie. She was sewing on something. She told the suitors when she was done sewing, she would choose a suitor. She lied to get them off her back. She would sew and rip out her sewing each night to delay having to choose a new husband.
I suppose she felt she was still married to Odysseus despite she couldn't find him anywhere.
That sounds like me. There was something wrong with every relationship. All my men suitors either 1) had an addiction and nearly got me addicted 2) were already married to someone else 3) did not have my same interest 4) were too macho, too logical, not emotionally expressive, non committal 5) One died on me and one took off for Hawaii because my kids were bad. It's enough to make anyone into a Penelope.
So I guess those relationships could be like Penelope's suitors who hounded her, as none of them actually loved me, they weren't prince charming, for sure, I didn't expect them to be, nor did I consider there were such a thing as twin souls before I started having these dreams with boyfriend in there, telling me things I wished I didn't know. Because now I have to change myself. Or rather my self image of myself as ugly. That won't be too hard to change if I just keep working on it.
I'm really not that bad looking. How do we get these ideas? All of the above does not fascinate me nearly as much as the fact that I saw boyfriend the other night in my dream and he dropped the name Penelope on me, gave me a bit of a hug and disappeared once more into outer space. God speed you dear. My love goes with you either in fair or bad weather. Wait. There's one more part to the drama. When Odysseus comes back, he comes back in disguise, just like my dreams are like a disguise for the real thing. He comes back to see if Penelope is really true blue and loyal or not. So he finds out she is true, even if she doesn't recognize him anymore that's it's really him, her husband. So finally she does recognize him due to a scar she finds on his body. Anyhoo, Odysseus winds up slaying all men suitors. Man, this guy is rather aggressive, unless we can see it metaphorically, I would hope anyway, we could. So maybe Odysseus slays all the allusions that those suitors symbolized. One thing boyfriend already did for me was slay the illusion that I was unlovable and unbeautiful. I think it is true, beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder, but beauty is in my own eye as well.
Could it be true that only love matters? Only this? I'm beginning to think so.
I think I'll go outside in the sunshine for awhile. The Bluebells are just starting to bloom. I'll probably be awake when he gets back and if not, I'll be awake soon.
