I generally go through what I like to call a “blue” period every year. I know it is really depression, sometimes very deep, but being blue sounds so much better to me. It generally takes me through the holidays. I started experiencing this about 5 years ago when my family moved away and left me stranded in a city I hate. I have always been very close to my parents, never living more than a few miles away from them. When they were both retired, they decided to leave the city we had been in for 25 years and they did just that. In an almost overnight decision, they were gone, 1300 miles away. I am divorced, and have a teenage son so I have relied on them heavily for closeness.
At first, I moved into their house since they couldn't sell it fast enough, and one of my brothers stayed behind as well. Then another brother moved in. None of us were compatible. It was stressful and difficult, but I figured my folks deserved to do something for themselves for once, so I dealt with what I had. The house was finally sold after about two long years, one brother left with them, and one stayed in the area, however, I consider him no brother of mine. So, my son and I were alone. We moved to a small town near the city, I had to stay close because I still had my job. My son became very independent very quickly.
What I had noticed was that after Halloween, I started getting irritable. My birthday is only a few days later, then I would be down through Christmas. I had never had to spend holidays without my family. My son had become much too cool to be happy about anything, so we had no fun, no matter how hard I tried. After a couple of years of this cycle, I didn't even try. Then came the start of 2007.
The Panic
The realization had nothing to do with a new years resolution, I don't participate in that whole misguided tradition, but my son would be 17 this year, I would be 40. I had been divorced for 12 years, my son couldn't stand to be near me, I was alone. I was totally and completely alone. It scared the daylights out of me. What to do, what to do? I decided to lose some weight, get a little healthy, start going out, doing things for me, things that make me happy. Only problem was, I had let myself become a bit anti-social. I had no idea how to meet people, how to meet men. I made up my mind then, I will not be alone by my birthday, I will not spend the holidays alone again. But, I am anti-social. I am really painfully shy. I don't think I can just go out alone. I turned to the internet. (And you were wondering when the topic would finally come up, weren't you?)
I found that I could really be myself, I could talk to people, I could flirt with guys, I can do this. Common sense told me that this was not necessarily a good idea. No one is honest when you talk to them like this. I don't really understand why, because no matter what you are looking for you can find a suitable match on the internet, why lie? Anyway, in my panic, common sense was beat down by the primal desire to be with that perfect, special someone.
I found a fair few. Men who were wanting serious long term relationships, I know, it doesn't seem possible that those terms can share the same sentence, but there they were. Now, most people told me I was about half baked for doing this, but after a while, you seem to be able to get a good sense of the person you are talking to. If the first line is “What are you wearing right now?” appears, chances are, you don't want to continue with him. Other red flags are “What's your bra size?” or “Do you have nudes(pics)?”. Then really, if I went to the local bar, had a few drinks, I know just as much about the pending one night stand to my right as I do the guy at the other end of my internet connection, and I'm not gonna wake up with a hang over in the bed next to my computer.
Panic guy #1
Oh Anthony! Sweet, kind, loving Anthony. I actually met him as a pen pal through an online pen pal site. After many letters, we seemed very compatible, and started communicating by phone. I was everything he could ever have dreamed of. I was the perfect woman for him. He hated where he lived, and made plans to come to me. In July, he was to visit for a week, then more permanent plans would be made. At the same time, I was having some slight issues with my son. In one night, Anthony changed his mind... he was scared, he felt like he would be walking into a firestorm. What a wuss. He really broke my heart though. I had a hard time getting over him.
