The Marriage of a Divorced Woman
I met my ex-husband in a bar, in 1982. The next year, I moved in with him. Ten years later , we were married. It was the first time for both of us. I'm not sure why we waited so long, as I had given up on it after the seventh year. Needless to say, although we were not legally married, we were pretty close to a typical married couple after 10 years. That being said, we were too tired to consummate the marriage on our legitimate wedding night. Unfortunately for us (but probably fortunately for them) we never had any children. We would have been great parents, though.
The Affair of a Divorced Woman
Three average-comfortable- lukewarm years of marriage passed, until the weekend of the Super Bowl, 1995. My husband made plans to go to the game with his buddies for three days. My sister and I decided to go “out on the town,” something we rarely ever did. I was invited to dance, and accepted, by a very attractive man who was very good at lip service. I had not realized that my self-esteem as a woman had become so numb, or that I was thirsting for so much for attention, until he “woke my sleeping lion..” That was the beginning of the end. I broke my vows and had an affair; a very physical, sexual affair, for three days.
When my husband returned, he sensed something, or I, was different. I told him I wasn't happy in our marriage anymore. I told him I was lonely. I told him that I'd rather be lonely, all alone, then lonely in a marriage. I moved out.
In past conversations, my husband had made it clear that if I ever cheated on him, there would not be any forgiving, there would not be any second chances, there would not be any “let's work it out.” He stayed true to his word.
The Divorce of a Divorced Woman
I hurt him more than I thought possible. He would not talk to me. He would not see me. Through family members, he sent me a long letter, in which he wrote that he “wished I would do this world a favor and get a gun and blow my brains out,” amongst other sentiments. I went into a tailspin of self-destruction. I drank a lot and ate very little. I lost my job. I lost my apartment. I got a DUI. The guilt and regret I felt was indescribable. I don't think I will ever forgive myself completely.
After a long, lonely, surreal year, I went to a bookstore and purchased a “Do-It-Yourself-Divorce Packet”. It was an “amicable divorce.” Three months later, our marriage was dissolved. I remember reading the final decree as I walked slowly back from the mailbox to my apartment: “ IT IS NOW ORDERED THAT THE MARRIAGE OF …” Seeing it in black and white made it very real, very final, and broke the last fragile threads of any hope I had been hanging on to.
The Regrets of a Divorced Woman
I take full responsibility for the dissolution of our marriage. But, I think it could have been saved. Maybe not. Not if he could not forgive me. I guess some acts are unforgivable.
Within two years of the divorce, my ex-husband got re-married. I never have.
I finally got to be lonely…
…all alone.
