I am currently in my third marriage and have been for sixteen years. My husband and I have minor disagreements but nothing that leaves us enraged with each other. Often times the disagreements we have ends with both of us laughing. I suppose that maturity has helped, but more than that I took a long hard look at myself and my past relationships and I came to realize that the biggest problem in a relationship is not money as many people think the biggest problem is control.
CONTROL
There are two types of control. The first is aggressive control. Aggressive control is the attempt to control someone by changing who they are. This is the one that leads to more arguments and breakups. There is an old say that goes, "A man marries a woman like his mother and a woman marries a man like her father." This I have found is not the case. Although there may be a slight resemblance often the individual marries and then tries to mold the spouse into the image of the respective parent. This creates a problem because in essence you are telling your spouse that he/she is not good enough and if allowed you can make them perfect. It is an insult to a person's very being and will only be met with defensive resistance.
Some examples of aggressive control are:
- Verbal Attacks
- The Silent Treatment
- Emotional Blackmail
- Withholding Sex
- Physical Attacks
The second is passive control. Passive control is the attempt to control someone through manipulation. Passive control is not, in and of itself a bad thing but can be misused. One example of misuse is to use subtle guilt to achieve your goal.
Some examples of misuse are:
- Making promises that you do not intend to keep
- Crocodile Tears
- Saying whatever you think your partner wants to hear in order to end the disagreement.
So how does one make a relationship work? You stand outside yourself and look through the other person's eyes. Give to the person you claim to love more than any one else what it is you need and want.
Understanding
By this I mean real understanding. It isn't always easy but the more you try to understand someone the easier it gets.Selflessness
No, I don't mean sacrificing who you are or what you believe, but be flexible and realize that you don't have to be right 100% of the time.Acceptance
Accept others for who they are flaws and all. Do not try to make them into who you think they should be.Trust
This is self evident. You have to be able to trust your partner and you have to be trustworthy yourself.
