All the insanity or planning the wedding is finally…over. Even the honeymoon is over. You're bound to feel wobbly and unsure—the first year is all about figuring out who you are as a married couple…Here comes the tricky part: finding the balance of being one half of a couple -- without letting go of each of your non-couple's individual identities. You CAN remain your own person after you've taken marriage vows…Here, a couple of sure-fire ways.
• Hold onto old habits, hobbies, and trademarks that make “you” unique. You know yourself by now; melding lives through marriage is a beautiful thing. Just remember that the person you were before you became a “legal” and tax-deductible couple is the person your spouse fell in love with. Stay as special as you've always been – you'll both appreciate it.
• Depending upon your individual situation, don't rush things. Don't cave into “family demands”. You've just forged your first family – you and your spouse. Politely, delicately, take the time you need to merge his and her families. The very luckiest ones are those in which both families and extended families like each other;alas they are few and far between. There is jealousy, competition and envy; a sister or brother-in-law, mother-or-father- in-law issue will come up out of nowhere. How you handle your feelings and those of your new spouse will set the stage for years. Just wait until you have kids, you'll see.
• Be a unit. Since the vague plagues mentioned above are common, remember you belong first to each other. Don't take sides against your new spouse, even if you have to put your own sister on “hold”. You're walking a dangerous precipice if you even think about taking sides against your spouse.
• Don't let go of your friends. Yes, you see each other less frequently and the dynamics have changed, but you'll miss those relationships.
• Don't expect your new husband or wife to fill in all the gaps; you aren't an island, suddenly; stay in touch with business associates, mentors; as mentioned before, nourish your old relationships….not just because you'll need them for yourself, for who you were before you got married, but because you don't want to become inordinately dependent upon your spouse.
• Surprise each other. Never stop flirting, keep the courtship alive or you'll be facing a lonely marriage which is worse than a hundred empty nights alone before you got married.
• Spice up your sex life. We're going to assume that you've both been faithful. Read books, throw in a video, surf on-line sex sites. Don't feel guilty. You've got each other; keep things exciting. Push the envelope.
• As much as I've advocated time apart because too much “togetherness” will make you – and your marriage – stale quickly, make a weekly date and go out just as you did before you got married.
What's unique about the first year could fill pages with psychological, sociological and anthropological notes. Suffice it to say: it's the biggest life change you may have yet experienced. Be confident, be smart, but most of all, be yourself, as you enter the state of holy matrimony. Domesticity can be lovely; just hold onto your individuality and maybe you'll keep the honeymoon going. What do to after you have kids? Ah, that's a story for another day. Wishing you peace, love and compromise.
