In today's frenetic world it often seems tough to find that person, that soul mate that the heavens chose especially for you. One day you find that person. At first it's breathtaking beyond words, beyond dreams. You're crazy in love and you wonder how you got so lucky. Then slowly, silently the pulse-racing, devouring love you felt in the beginning begins to quiet.
Over time arguments replace the romantic interludes; you grow apart until one day you wonder what you saw in the person you once thought of as the very air you breathed. Finally you split apart and you wonder ~ what is it about love? You know people with strong relationships and marriages that are working so there must be something to it, right? What is the secret?
If you think it is one simple answer, you won't find it here. Love is extraordinarily complex because it is driven by psychological and sexual emotion that mows over intellectual thought and scientific fact. That said it is not impossible to find. To the contrary there are many paths to successful love and the first one starts with you.
- Know yourself. What you want, what you don't, what challenges you, what bores you. What do you like, what you do not. Don't expect someone else to define you. And by all means don't try to change yourself for another; it never succeeds in the long run. After a time your inner character will do whatever it takes to break free and return to its old self.
- If you've recently broken up with someone don't go searching for love. It will evade you. At least the real kind will. What you may feel is lust but as you know that goes away soon enough. Give yourself some alone time after a breakup. It is like an illness; allow yourself time to recover.
- When you are ready to meet someone for a possible relationship do yourself a favor and look for people of similar personality and traits, outlook on life and political make-up. A lot has been said about how opposites attract; and they do. But at one point it can also make for a very stressful relationship if your viewpoint and even the way you manage your household is so diametrically opposed to one another that you can't agree on anything. That is not romantic and it's a surefire way to head to divorce court.
- When you do find that person who speaks to your heart, resolve to conduct yourself with great compassion. Promise yourself that you will listen, that you will not pass judgment, in short that you will show profound respect.
- If there is something you don't like about the person, accept the person as is; don't try to force a change - that is the beginning of the end. Everyone, yes, everyone wants to be loved for who they are. There is nothing more depressing than to fall in love with someone who you thought loved you for who you are only to find that person repeatedly trying to change you into someone you are not. If you can't accept the person as is, move on and allow the person the chance to meet someone else or simply live with dignity.
- Give. Give of yourself. Give more than you deserve and more than you receive in return. But in giving, don't expect anything in return. If your love was meant to be returned it will.
- Cherish. Nurture your new love but do not suffocate and do not lose yourself. Without yourself you are nothing but an image.
- Say "I Love You" everyday and mean it.
- Cuddle.
- Hold hands in private and public.
- Each day do something out of the ordinary for your loved one. Perhaps a little note slipped into a laptop case, a flower from the garden waiting on the dining table at the end of the day, a bar of your love's favorite chocolate tied with a ribbon. It doesn't have to be big or cost anything at all, but it does have to show thought and effort. Emails, online chats and texts do NOT count.
- When you fight, fight fair. No name calling. And make up as soon as possible.
- Remember that no one is perfect; everyone makes mistakes and deserves forgiveness.
- If you enjoy cooking make your love's favorite dishes at least once a week. If you don't cook and your love has a favorite dish, go take a cooking class and learn. Then make that dish he or she likes. Nothing will say "I Love You" as much as showing the effort you made to make your love happy. Plus food makes everybody happy. It's the great nurturer.
- Go on a date. Some couples make it a regular habit of going out once a week but in tough economic times that may not be possible. Of course it doesn't mean you have to go spend a lot of money. It could be as simple as going on a picnic, a bike ride or playing Frisbee in the park.
Ultimately great love is possible but it also takes great effort and failing before you get it right. No one ever said love was easy. It's not. Real love is not like the movies or romance novels. It requires patience and mental strength and enduring understanding. A dear friend recently told me "Life is the only school where we get the tests first and the lessons later." Well said.
I wish you great lessons and only as many tests as it takes to love and be loved to the depths of your soul.
