We live in a world where there is so much turmoil on the home front. Parents are constantly at war with their children, husbands and wives hardly share laughter, and all around us, relationships are so shallow to be emotionally meaningful. One of the key ingredients of a successful relationship is the capacity to forgive one another. However, that forgiveness can only happen if one has an effective way of expressing regret or apology for any failings on one's part. Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. Good relationships are marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive and reconcile. Thus we need to be skilled in making effective apologies that can elicit genuine forgiveness so as to enhance relationships.
The key questions include: How should an apology be conveyed? What should it entail? When should it be delivered? Where should it be delivered?
"I Am Sorry"
An expression of regret should involve a categorical “ I am sorry”statement.There has to be an emotional aspect conveyed within the apology. The apology should communicate a sense of guilt, shame and pain. Often the offended party is in pain and hence would want the offender to share in it. The offender should therefore capture the total attention of the offended so that the communication is direct and subject to deep scrutiny. This allows the offended to listen and scan for genuine feeling and realization of pain caused. Critical aspects of apology transmission include:
- How is your body language? When you say sorry, does your body language reflect the same or does it suggest that you are more concerned on moving on which is forcing him/her to forgive you.
- Sorry for what? Be specific.
- Avoid “But”. This little word shifts your apology to blame.
- Apology is neither an excuse nor a manipulation.
- Insincerity is noticed when one says sorry to stop the other person from confronting us with the issue.
Thus to be effective in communicating your apology, ensure to express regret. Try focusing on the pain caused by your behavior and how the two relate. Apology is a lovely perfume, it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift. Note that forgiveness does not change the past, it does enlarge the future.
Accepting Responsibility
Whole heartedly accept responsibility for wrong doing and the pain caused to the other party. Admitting that one was wrong should not to be perceived as weakness. To some people hearing the words “I was wrong” is what communicates to them that the person is sincere in his/her apology. Successful relationships are not dependent upon perfection, rather the willingness to acknowledge our wrong and to seek forgiveness from one another without tiring.
Making Restitution
Relationships involve give and take. Thus in a situation where one has offended the other, there has to be some compensation for the damage caused. In legal terms, it is called reparative damages. This is where the offending party should repay the offended for damages incurred by their behavior. Thus restitution is act of giving back to rightful owner, or giving of something as an equivalent for what has been lost, damaged. It is saying “I ought to do something to make amends.” It is going out of your way to reassure the offended party who may wonder whether they are still loved given the strain and pain that is prevailing. Restitution is thus the effort to reassure our genuine love despite the hurt we caused.
Genuine repentance
Repentance means to “turn around” or “change one's mind”. It reflects your desire or commitment to change the offending behavior. In healthy marriages, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality but everything to do with building a harmonious marriage. Building a harmonious relationship entails breaking a habit that is offensive and therefore a specified strategy for change is effective in conveying repentance.
Requesting for forgiveness
Deliberately walk to the offended party to request for forgiveness. Honey, forgive me! Requesting forgiveness indicates that someone really wants the relationship fully restored. It shows that you realize you have done some wrong. It indicates your willingness to put the future of the relationship into the hands of the offended party.
This language is difficult for persons with strong controlling personalities.
