An old friend observed recently that we don't know what real love is until we pass the barrier of middle age, and even then it varies according to our personal development. True, some people never find out, whether because they remain immature their whole life, or because they were unlucky in finding the ideal partner.
Some couples separate after two years, others after 20 years, and very rarely after 30 or 40 years of marriage. Do we really love our partner, or do we get so used to her/him that we dislike the idea of trying again?
Getting a divorce is a traumatic experience that seems to become more and more common. Many couples, however, stay together for the wrong reasons, such as children or financial difficulties.
Getting married is clearly a lottery, since we don't really know the other person. We believe we are in love as soon as high school, but quickly find out that physical attraction has nothing to do with love. Therein lie the uncertainties of love with a big L.
How can we reduce these obstacles, decide to share our life with another person and have a reasonable chance at success?
Difference in Age
If the difference is more than 10 years, chances are the marriage will not last. Every 10 years we enter into a new phase of life. What 20 year-old girls or boys do is different than what 30-year old like to do. But we can still adapt if there is genuine respect and tolerance for the other's preferences and habits. More than 10 years and it becomes very complicated. There are exceptions, of course.Difference in Culture
It is very risky to marry a person from a completely different culture. Unless the two individuals are fully aware of the sacrifices they will have to make before the wedding, chances are good that conflicts will erupt very soon and result in a separation.Communication
The key to a successful marriage is without a doubt honest, genuine, respectful and meaningful communication. Even if the initial passion disappears, as it must, the couple will develop a profound friendship thanks to their open communication. They learn how to listen and how to empathize with the other's idiosyncrasies. Make sure before you marry that such conditions exist; they are not going to sprout magically after a few years.There is No Such Thing as Instant Love
The deep feeling of cherishing another person to the point of excluding everybody else is developed from initial seeds. Love eventually will appear as a permanent condition if both work at it very hard. Romeo and Juliet is a play about fictional characters; they never had a chance to find out about each other. True, there was a very strong initial attraction, but that was mainly physical, not the kind of love that grows with sharing hardships and joys for many years. Children
Having children (or not being able to have them) can make or break a marriage. Women fear that pregnancy will make them fat and ugly at the eyes of the husband; they often choose a C-section to avoid stretch marks, thereby missing out on a unique bonding experience. A good man will love his wife even more during and after the conception. It is one of the most significant moments of a marriage, which cannot be experienced by gay couples. Make sure both of you agree on how to raise them, from discipline to religion, before you have them.
Still, even when taking all necessary precautions, a marriage may fail for reasons often outside the control of the couple. In-laws may cause such profound divisions that staying together becomes impossible. It is therefore a good idea to live as far as possible from parents and relatives.
"Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be..."
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