I’ve come to the harsh conclusion dear readers, that I just don’t deserve these wonderful traditions. Not sure why but it must be. Each new addition included nothing more, nothing less.
Yes, I weeped - selfishly I weeped. I wanted all those memories for my children’s memory books. For myself to share with them about how much I was loved, how much they were loved. But I don’t have any of that dear readers to share. Anything I have, I have done by myself. Its been hard for me 21 years later, to watch as my own mother in law did so much for other family members but not for me and mine.
How pathetic to this day to see other young mothers swollen with life inside of them - being showered with such love and tenderness. Spoiled with caring words and gestures. Surrounded by those who love them so greatly and wish so badly just to be a part of this miracle of life at hand.
So what was it about me:
Could I dare to believe a mother in law could truly ever love me when my own mother hated me so?
Could I dare to believe my mother in law could possibly take the place give me so much of what I had never had?
Could I dare to think that my mother and father in law could possibly fill in the huge gap created by the loss of my parents?
Can I share a secret with you all?
I have actually hand sewn tiny new born clothes, blankets, booties and the like, for my own grandchildren. No, they are far from being born - but just in case God calls me home before I see them, I want them to know just how much they are loved.
I’m sorry for myself and for our three children. Sorry that, apparently, because of me not only have I done without the luxuries of such simple traditions, but our children have as well. I feel it is all my fault.
I suppose it’s a bit late in the game for regrets. But still, they are there. If I had known all that I would have to endure - all the pain, all the tears, all the sorrow - would I have done what I did? Or would I have run as fast as my feet would have carried me in the opposite direction?
What would you have done if you were able to see your future?
I know, how pathetic of me to want those simple traditions that would have held so much value to me. Why would such have made me feel as if I was worth the trouble and time of some?
Do we not desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves? A part of a lineage, a new continuing generation? After having survived leaving one existence that only brought me misery and great pain - I guess somewhere in the back of my brain, I felt I deserved at least that much. I was wrong dear readers - dead wrong.
Because even if you grow up in the den of hell lorded over by Satan himself, there is just no guarantee that heaven’s gates are waiting for you once you find your way out of hell.
