Ready for your big, exciting first date tonight? Let me help: 90 percent of all dates fail to lead to long term relationships. I can attest to this and the implication is clear: we must bring back arranged marriages.
Until that happens, there is a more somber conclusion: Nine out of ten times someone has to say the words, “Listen, I think we need to talk…”
“Dumped,” “blown off,” “told to hit the road,” “given the heave ho”… you'd never guess from the language that being rejected can possibly carry a painful, demoralizing sting.
For example, I have a receding hairline. The potential online date who asked to see a picture of me stated that she had a “hair thing” (insert your own merkin joke here) and so it was no surprise that she wrote back, declining. Her exact phrasing was “I've decided to go in another direction.”
It wasn't painful because it was just too stupid. “Another direction.” What, like, with women? North to Alaska? Living in Los Angeles, I recognized the evasive patois of the development executive. I might as well have gotten, “I already have several scalp projects in the pipe.”
However, she understood a basic rule of decency in dating. When you recognize it isn't going to work, you are obliged to pull the trigger.
Unless you're a complete jackass or a reality show producer, nobody wants to inflict pain. But try as you might, each method of breaking up has its pitfall.
- Sending an email. Pitfall: There is an inherent wiener-ness to this approach as you cower behind the safety of your firewall. Moreover, it takes such little effort that it smacks of indifference. As in: "Dear Susan, although I :-) meeting you, I think we'd be a :-( match."
- Sending an actual letter. Pitfall: It is too dramatic and provides the other with handwriting and DNA samples. Plus have you seen the cost of stamps?
- Saying it face-to-face. Pitfall: Timing it for the least awkwardness that follows.
- "I think we should stop seeing each other."
- "That's great. The rest of the weekend here in this secluded cabin should be fantastic."
- Making the phone call. Pitfall: You must be prepared for a range of responses, rated here on a scale of 10 for desirability:
“I understand and I thank you for being so honest.” (click, dial tone) (10)
“Yeah, well you're no prize yourself, nutcase.” (6)
Or the other approach… “I'll tell her after we finish having the best sex of her life.” (minus 3,000,000,000)
But the next time someone clucks thoughtfully, “Hey, it's just as painful to be the reject-or as it is to be the reject-ee,” whack his or her thumb with a hammer and see who hurts more. When someone stands up, kisses you lightly on the cheek and walks out of your life, you are having a moment no reality show can capture. You have been voted on and the results are not favorable. No amount of vodka makes that better.
