There's one in every church, Bible college, and big ministry. You know who I'm talking about: the tall, handsome, single young man with an abounding zeal for the Lord, enough charisma to share, and a passionate commitment to ministry. Admit it, sister, these guys are irresistible! In fact, it's a wonder so many of them manage to stay single for a noticeable length of time.
If you're anything like me, you've fallen for one or several of these types of men throughout your adult life. You might even be secretly planning your wedding to Mr. Big Faith as he leads your small group discussion. I've been there, done that, and have a closet full of t-shirts to show you. However, in retrospect, none of the guys I was bonkers about would have ultimately been the best fit for my life. In my dazzlement over their ministry zeal, I overlooked a lot of crucial issues.
I also realized that for many years I have been guilty of a habit I now term “borrowment”. What I mean by that is in too many times to count, I have “borrowed” passion, interest, and focus from the man I was interested in and essentially took on all his focus as my own. I did ministry thinking that it was something I really wanted to do when in many cases it was merely a reflected interest from him that I mistook as my own.
At the age of twenty-six, I reflect back on my life and past romantic interests and have come to a better understanding of what ministry means and what a good relationship should look like. If there is some dynamic cutie in your adult Sunday school class, a gorgeous single pastor leading your church, or a worship leader you can't keep your eyes off, I offer you some questions to seriously ponder before jumping into a relationship or picking out a china pattern.
- If he were not in the picture, would my involvement in my current church/ministry be the same? I once visited a new church and was not impressed until an extremely attractive young man introduced himself to me. Guess where I started attending and became heavily involved? There were other aspects but a main reason I stayed was because I hoped for a relationship with this man. Take a good look at your involvement in your ministry, study, or church and ask yourself if you would change at all if that certain young man left. Would you be content spending the rest of your life serving as a single woman?
- Am I serving God or the man I'm interested in? I had to add this because it rings particularly true with my experiences. Both men and women are willing to work but for different reasons: men labor for principles, women labor for people. What I mean by that is that women will pour a lot of time and energy into something if it is important for the people they love. So unfortunately a lot of us gals will serve unflaggingly under the leadership of men we are romantically interested in and fool ourselves into thinking it is for God. This is both dishonest and dangerous. You can serve until the skin on your fingers is peeling away and Mr. Charisma will thank you profoundly and run off and marry someone else. Don't confuse gratitude for romantic interest.
- Am I being too “useful”? I spent years trying to prove to various men that I was useful and deserving of their attention because I worked hard. This won't work and is demeaning to you: you are worthy to be loved as you are. Yes you should be a helpmeet but your needs ought to be met too. A good relationship is give and take, don't get stuck on the giving part.
- Do I have a good understanding of his strengths and weaknesses? Oftentimes those very qualities that attract us to these types of men such as commitment, vision, and leadership have other not-so-desirable qualities attached to them that we can overlook in the beginning. The strong leader may be resistant to suggestions. The visionary may overload people with work in order to accomplish great projects. The theologian may have trouble relating to people sensitively and compassionately. Strong leaders often step on toes and squish feelings accidentally; the gentler types are usually in supportive roles. You may admire his leadership abilities but can you put up with the other unpleasant parts of his character?
- Do we have anything in common outside of ministry? Obviously a love of Christ and people should be the foundation of a Christian romantic relationship but it cannot be the only thing. If you have little interests outside of the church, very different personalities, and don't “click” in anyway except spiritually, you are selling yourself short. It is good to ask yourself if you would still be interested in the man if he was not a Christian: a daring question but one that is worth answering. Aside from spiritual issues, do you have other common connections? Bear in mind that yes, you will hopefully serve God with your spouse but there is a host of other issues such as running a house, spending leisure time, managing money, and raising children that fall outside the category of ministry. What do you do outside the church?
- Do I really realize what I am getting into? Many young women are quite passionate about serving the Lord and seek a spouse with the same desire. It is very easy to admire and respect a godly man that loves the Lord, and there is definitely something romantic in the idea of being a pastor's wife. But ask any experienced pastor's or missionary's wife: they will tell you honestly that it is a hard life. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to share your husband. Many times he will put other people before you or be absent for long periods. When you are in labor with your first child and he is away at a youth conference, how will you feel? If he is a lay pastor, he will be occupied with work and ministry and will many times be too exhausted and emotionally drained to be of much use at home. Are you willing to constantly sacrifice your needs and desires for other people? Many of the men I know who are heavily involved in ministry are single, mostly because they are too busy to find a wife!
- Would he be good for me and would I be good for him? I have come to a point in my life where I realize that while a dynamic minister of God's word would probably be good for me, I would certainly not be good for him. I am too private and too quick to become jealous. I would have too many demands and expectations and I would hinder rather than help him. Be honest enough to admit this for yourself if it is true.
- Am I focused too much on my inner feelings about “God's will” towards this man and not enough on reality? Ladies, when you are dazzled by some wonderful young man, your heart will tell you all sorts of things that are very easy to mistake for direction from God. How many years I wasted believing that eventually the man in question would finally do what God had ordained and fall in love with me. If God truly means for you to be together, he will provide clear outwards signs.
If you answered yes, honestly and thoughtfully, then great. You are probably a good candidate for the rewarding but strenuous life as the help meet of an extremely active Christian. If these questions make you uncomfortable, then perhaps it is time to step back and analyze your feelings for Mr. Supergodlyman and perhaps take a look at men that are less involved in the church and not quite as dynamic. In the meantime, keep your heart in check and your reason in place!
