Certain self destructive behaviour patterns are your mind's way of dealing with something that causes you pain. So what can you do about it?
The good news is you can break these destructive patterns that lead to loneliness, by getting to the root of them, and then you can start with new healthy ways of relating that will have your partner listen and stay open. You don't have to keep feeling like you're at the mercy of the bad things your relationships make you feel, always feeling slightly out of control.
There are pattern-breaking rules about finding, attracting and keeping a special partner that we'll cover here:
First Impressions Do Count
When you meet someone for the first time, if your first impression is that of a player, having another agenda such as money, not taking you seriously or flirting for the sake of it rather than real interest in you for yourself, walk away. Let them make the effort rather than working hard yourself.
Avoid…
- Serial daters - you're one of many and there will be more after you
- Possessive people - they will bring you down and their problems can't be fixed by you
- Rebounds - if they make constant references to their ex, or you're having to ''share'' your relationship with their ex, they aren't over them
- Flirts - they always want to be centre of attention and won't give you the attention you deserve
- Those you can't see fitting in with your world/family/friends
- Your boss - office gossips will crucify your career
Sparks Matter
If you don't feel early on there is any common ground, move on, and don't waste your time - a spark is so important. Don't feel you have to spend an entire evening with a date if it just isn't happening for you. Make it clear when you make arrangements that you're meeting for a single drink/coffee and that you should both decide what to do after that first drink. Yes, it seems a bit cold and business like, but your date will feel a lot less gutted in the long run if you stop matters early on, rather than stringing them along for three or four pointless hours.
Be Flexible
Mr/Miss Perfect doesn't exist - think Mr/Miss Almost Perfect! Forget rigid adherence to a fictitious ideal. At least give someone a chance to light your fire rather than instantly dismissing them because they're wearing the wrong trainers or have a stray nasal hair.
Look past looks/physique/money and see the real person underneath - exotic is great for a while but you need similarities of character and outlook to make it last. The cliché is love is blind - blind attraction can stop you taking in the most important information about your date.
Whose relationship/approach do you admire? This will help you to work out what you really want in your own life. Choose dates with people whose outlook you admire - respect is crucial.
Are You a Good Fit?
A relationship will never make you happy if you are not content with yourself and the main work has to be done on yourself before you're ''match fit''. Men/women are not on this earth to look after or rescue you, or to fill gaps in your life, or to relieve boredom.
Don't date and do nothing else - make a life for yourself so you have interesting things to share in the future/talk about. Clubs, societies, sports, drama, voluntary work, further training/education… Chances are high too that you will meet your soulmate in these places rather than mixing with bunches of drunk people in bars.
When you meet someone you like and who seems to like you, do you automatically assume you're going to become partners, even if you've only had a couple of dates? Many people become obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship, rather than seeing the reality of the person they have met. Your date will sense pretty quickly if you are desperate to become a couple regardless of who it is with and that your interest in them as a person is only as a partner.
Forget the idea of being happy if only you were in a relationship and wanting to accelerate matters as soon as possible - it won't happen as long as you give off this self obsessed ''vibe''.
Build confidence in your appearance - spend time and money on yourself - you're an investment! Attraction is a basic need for a relationship to work/develop, and people do look at appearance first.
Be really honest with yourself about what part you played in the break up of your last relationship - what can you do differently this time? Many of the things we do in a relationship are done subconsciously, but are highly damaging all the same and will make your potential partner run a mile:
