As you can no doubt guess, I've had a few relationships in my time. I've recently been identifying some similarities among them. In doing so, I've discovered that there has been one common thread that has run through every one of them. What is that common thread? Our values were not alike! Values, you might ask, what exactly are they? They have far more meaning and depth than I ever before gave any credence. Our values are the very core of our being, they're who we are. Our bottom line. What we're really all about down deep where it counts.
It's not so much about morals as it is about the principles one believes in and is willing and proud to stand-up for. Have I always stood up for my values? Unfortunately, no. I haven't always. Every time I failed to stand up for my values/principles, I ended up regretting it in ways that ran very deep for me.
It's simply a matter of asking oneself, "What beliefs of my own REALLY matter to me?" Therein lay my values. It's all too easy to sell oneself out without even realizing it until after it's too late. You know, things like temptation, desire, longing for that which we don't have. Suddenly values, the core self takes a back seat to those desires.
For example, what if I really want to have a relationship with someone whose principles don't coincide with my own? It can be very tempting indeed to tell myself that in time, I can change that person. What's wrong with that, right? Well, first of all, it's failing to face reality! As a therapist I recognize that people are pretty much who they choose to be. Who in the world am I to decide that an individual should change . . . let alone, for me!! It really isn't even being very respectful of the other person. It's like saying "My values are right, yours are wrong!" When, in fact, my values are niether right nor wrong . . . they simply are who I am deep down inside, where it counts. Diddo for the other person. Does it really make any sense that if those values clash, I could expect a relationship to work-out and last?? (H-m-m-m-m . . . I think not.)
If I were to give anyone any advice in the area of relationships, that advice would be to make absolutely certain that you have the same basic values before commiting yourself to anyone. Make absolutely certain that their values are values you totally respect. (Just as they are!)
It occurs to me that something so special as who we are deep down at the very core of our being is something that deserves to be treasured and for each of us to take great pride in. The only thing better than one person's values are two people sharing the same values! I strongly believe now, that therein can be found harmony, trust, peace and deep, lasting love.
