Summertime! A time for shorts, T-shirts, and sandals. As a wife and mom-also known as the laundress-I love it! As the wife of a sexual addict and the mother of a preteen daughter, there are parts that I hate. Bikinis, short-shorts, and lots of skin-all danger zones, not just for the sexual addict, but for all men, and consequently for marriages and families. How do I teach modesty to my daughter without receiving the usual eye-roll and the attitude that goes with it? How do I be aware and sensitive to my husband without being an enabler or his policeman? Good questions!
Being the wife of an addict, I've learned a lot about the struggles of men. And while it could scare me to death if I let it, it could also be helpful in answering those two previous questions.
You have probably heard that men are “visual.” This is especially true in the area of sexuality. Just what does that mean? It means that it takes very little to excite a man, and once excited, a visual image is burned in his mind for not hours, not days, and usually not even weeks, but months, years, and sometimes forever. A woman sees a good-looking man, smiles and thinks, “Wow, he's REALLY good-looking,” and then moves on. A man sees a bra strap and begins visualizing. He sees a low neckline and begins visualizing. He sees a nice “six-pack” and does what? All together now….begins visualizing (of course)!
Most women-young or old-are dressing to look “pretty” or “cute.” You like the smile of appreciation your clothes bring but often don't realize that a big part of that smile may be because he's seen just enough to give him a beautiful vision of what is not seen-a vision that could take a long time to dispel.
I have struggled with my attitude in this area for years. I get angry at a society that bombards us with sexual images everywhere. How long can you watch TV without a sexual image being flashed at you? 30 seconds at most. At the same time, I want to think of it as his (my husband's) problem. He is struggling with issues; it's certainly not my fault. Why should I have to change or worry about what he's thinking?
Paul had a lot to say about that attitude in the book of Romans:
“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.” (13:10)
“...clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” (13:14)
“Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead make up your minds not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.” (14:1, 13)
The outside reflects the inside. Actions reflect the heart, and getting dressed can be a significant reflection. Perhaps you never thought of your clothes as a stumbling block, but now that you know that they can be, what are you going to do about it?
“If your brother is distressed because of what you (wear), you are no longer acting in love. Do not by (the way you dress) destroy your brother for whom Christ died.” Rom. 14:15
According to I Corinthians 13, known to many as the “love chapter,” love does not boast, is not self-seeking, does not delight in evil, and it always protects. Let's reach out to our brothers in love and make a promise to protect their Christian walk in all that we do, including the way that we dress. Take an extra look in the mirror and ask yourself if what you're wearing is truly reflecting your heart.
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