Def: a sexual encounter limited to a single occasion; also : a partner in such an encounter.
Ah, the one night stand. Most of us are familiar with the routine and those who aren't can consider themselves lucky. Allow me to set the scene. You're at the club seductively sipping one of six Cosmopolitans, Jack and Cokes, beer or whatever your poison may be, while scanning the room for hotness. Then, magic happens right before your eyes. Actually, not magic, more like beer goggles kicking in. This mysterious condition causes one to render those who they would ordinarily consider ugly, good-looking after consuming copious amounts of liquor.
To your delight, you notice the sexiest boy/girl you've ever seen and decide it's imperative that you make a move on him/her. On a mission, you slam your cocktail for additional liquid courage and saunter over to your prey trying to look as sexy and indifferent as possible. It’s often difficult to preserve the right amount of coolness while trying to catch his/her attention. If you appear too desperate, he/she will most likely brutally rebuke your attempts to mingle and will then relay the tale of your unwanted advances to his/her friends. However, if you play it too cool, he/she will not even be aware of your presence.
The friends are another factor to mix into the hooking up equation. This fact is especially prudent when trying to hook up with girls. In a group of girls, there is most likely one girl who is the designated patrol officer. Her role is to fend guys off her friends who are too drunk to make wise decisions on their own. Groups of guys often have a primary instigator rather than a patrol officer in the group and often encourage random hook ups.
Despite these obstacles, you have been approved by your prey and luckily, he/she is also wasted and eager to show you his/her best dance moves. Never mind the fact that neither one of you can keep up with the beat or for that matter- stand. No, in your minds you are the next Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake and everyone should know it.
After a sweaty rendition of "Sexy Back," you and your prey are inseparable. When you come up for air after an ostentatious display of lust, much to the disgust of those around you, he/she suggests that you continue the fun at his/her house. Your friends are none to pleased with this idea, and repeatedly urge you to leave with them, but you can't be swayed because you have found a willing partner for your debaucherous desires.
The scandalousness continues in the cab, and you soon find yourself at the sex den of your prey. Minutes later, clothes are flying and all morals, common sense and decency are out the window. Alas, you indulge in frantic, passionate sex and collapse in drunken exhaustion.
The next morning, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, your mouth is as dry as the Sahara and your head feels as though someone has taken a sledgehammer to it in the middle of night. You rollover to re-position yourself and to your horror, discover that you are not in your own bed and that you have no recollection of the other occupant in the bed.
In a panic, you scan the room for your clothing and try your best to exit the premises as quietly as humanly possible so as not to awaken your mystery lover. Flustered and embarrassed, you deftly escape, your prey none the wiser. Now you have the pleasure of experiencing the walk of shame.
This is the humbling moment when a scandalous male or female stumbles outside into the blinding daylight wearing his/her alcohol encrusted/ smoky clothes from the prior evening to make their journey to their humble abode. Said individual is usually highly dishevelled with hair standing on end and reeking of sex after a highly torrid and raunchy evening, much to the dismay of passers-by... Alas you arrive safely at your doorstep and make a mental note never to repeat your actions again.
Congratulations. You have just survived your first one night stand.
Now some people might find this situation ideal, and some of us will find it inevitable, so here are a few friendly tips if you must be scandalous…
- Never try to engage in small talk the next morning. Nothing is more annoying than a stranger who suddenly wants to know every detail of your life.
- By no means ask for coffee, breakfast or anything else for that matter. This is clearly an infringement upon the un-stated rules.
- Do not ask for his/her phone number if you don't already have it. Most likely, he/she will not call.
- Do not suddenly feel the need to cuddle him/her. That would imply that you feel as though the incident was something more than sex. It wasn't.
- Do not ask him/her for a ride home. This is the worst request of all as he/she who is also hung-over then has to get dressed, be seen with you in public and battle traffic.
- Never say, "So, does this mean we're dating?" No. It absolutely does not.
I am confident that these rules are an essential ingredient to truly enjoying your one-night stand. That being said: have fun, be safe and remember that only you have the power to keep your pants on. Enjoy.
