Well, I must admit first, that I love to cook. I simply dig standing over the cooking area, multitasking like a true geek should, and having the feeling of being an evil mad scientist. I have made many a strange discoveries there. For example, you can substitute any amount of flour in pounds for the N+4 number of pounds of coffee powder, if you add a little sugar to it. If you have something that is very disgustingly rotten, make a bowl of soup, and no one will notice...(can you say projectile vomiting Frenchman who tried to hit on my sister?)
So, one day, I was standing in my kitchen, minding my own piece of work (a difficult cake with multiple layers of frosting in the shape of a certain continent (coughFaeruncough), when my female roommate slipped in and began staring at my back. I do not know, but somehow, she never got it that if someone is not noticed and stares at a person, the person will know, but if the starer is noticed, the victim can go on as long as he wants.
Now, I have to admit, in my case it was my MP3 player, tuned to Rammstein and Dragonforce, both bands I admire, that saved me from having to notice her. Well, she was very persistent, sat there and just tried to force me to recognize her, but seemingly it never worked.
I was just shoving the cake out of in the cold, when she jumped my back. (Just a little for the records, she is about 1,60 meters, and weighs less then 64 lbs. I did not really care.) Finishing the placement of the cake, and the peeling my former roommate from my shoulders, I just held her like an infant under one arm while I resumed my cooking. I am kind of a heavy guy, and so it took a while, but finally, she stopped playing it simple, and ripped my MP3-player out of my ears.
"What are you giving me for my birthday, honey?"
I simply placed the I do not understand game, and worked on, until she had me in a choke hold and forced me down on my knees (just for the records, this girl had been kind of rough, and always loved to refer to me as her bedroom toy. But at that point of our relationship, where we were basically just roommates with loads of no strings attached sex, she had decided to give me the no sex until you do exactly what I say treatment, so I kept basically quiet.)
So, I removed her from my neck, and asked her seriously what she would need.
"No, I will not make it that easy for you. You have to choose, and I have to know it now."
I simply had to stuff her with a carrot, until she gave up.
"I was planning on deciding tomorrow", I said.
That night, I slept on the couch. It was like camping, because I could see the clear sky, smoke with the door open, and much more. Basically, not so bad, but I never tell women that. I want them to believe that it is a punishment for me.
Now, the next day, I was looking for a payback present, and it hit me like a hammer when I saw it. It was a slim, white beauty, with a lot of multi purpose tools.
Basically, it was a weighing scale, but that would be like saying that a hummer that was under the cunning hands of west coast customs is just 4 wheels that move. Heck, it displayed everything up to 400 pounds, and that with 3 digits behind the comma. Now, it gave me the idea to buy her the basic cooking utility's, so I basically spent 80 bucks on the set including a cookbook, hoping it would come to the great dispute I had been hearing so much about, because i clearly wanted to get some super sweet makeup-sex. Well, it came other then I thought.
She was thoroughly interested in the stuff, and began to cook. Well, not very good at first, but I was just quiet and kept eating. But then, one morning... AAAAAAAAA!
I kept racing into the bathroom, convinced she had cut her clitoris off, or something as worse, because the screaming was really serious.
As I arrived, I saw no blood, I saw no bones, I just saw that the girl was standing at the piece of digital goodness, and was screaming her lungs out. A quick scan of her exterior revealed that nothing vital was missing, so I just restarted her by taking her in my arms and hugging her tightly.
"That piece of shit does not work," she sobbed in my ear.
