Many myths have grown up around disabled people and sexuality. Chipouras writes that these myths "can drastically and unnecessarily curtail the sexual expression of disabled people." The myths he names are in italics, the comments mine.
Disabled People are A-Sexual.
Disabled people, like the rest of us, have differing sexual needs and experiences, but they are not a-sexual. Sexuality is part of the human condition.
Disabled People are Dependent and Childlike, So They Need to be Protected.
Being dependent and childlike is the prerogative of children, not adults, and while there will always be people with limited understanding and independence, we should foster as much self reliance and confidence as possible in our disabled young people.
Disability Breeds Disability.
True, there are certain genetic conditions where there is a likelihood of offspring inheriting the disorder, but most of these are known about and can be either guarded against or taken into account. In the main if we look at people damaged at birth, or having conditions such as multiple sclerosis, spinal cord injury or stroke we can see how little truth there is in this statement. It depends on the disability the person has and how fit their partner (who provides different genetic stock) may be. Couples may need good genetic counselling to make decisions about parenting, and they may choose to give birth to children like themselves.
Disabled People Should Stay With and Marry their Own Kind.
Disabled people marry different partners, who may or may not be disabled. This is their choice and their right. Many relationships start off with both parties fit and able-bodied, but if an illness or accident comes along the relationship has to accommodate changes. No one can foresee the future, but with an able/disabled couple, at least the disability is a given from the start.
Parents of Handicapped Children do not Want Sex Education for their Children.
Sex education is the right of every child. Parents are often grateful that their son or daughter is learning about their body and about sexual and social issues in a setting where their needs are taken into account.
Sexual Intercourse Culminates in Orgasm and is Essential for Sexual Satisfaction.
Sexual satisfaction can be gained in many ways. The mutual closeness and physical touch that is different from the touch of a carer may in itself be very satisfying, and one partner may experience great pleasure from giving a sexual experience to the other in a loving relationship, even if orgasm is not possible.
If a Disabled Person has a Sexual Problem it is Almost Always the Result of the Disability.
Disabled people have the same sexual problems as the rest of us - they experience impotence, premature or delayed ejaculation, problems with arousal and orgasm and lowered libido. Medication is sometimes responsible for these problems, so is chronic pain and exhaustion. Disability per se does not necessarily cause sexual problems; it is more likely to cause acute frustration. A sex therapist can assess this fully with medical assessment as needed. The main causes of sexual difficulties in the population as a whole are problems in the relationship, impotence caused by age and narrowing of the arteries, depression and the unresolved sexual abuse of one party. These factors are part of the work of the sex therapist in assessment.
If a Non-Disabled Person has a Sexual Relationship with a Disabled Individual, it's because He/She Can't Attract Anyone Else.
People with disabilities, especially if they are outgoing personalities with good self esteem, will always attract others. Non-disabled adults will respond to this.
While not wishing to blame the media for all the myths prevalent in our society, it does seem to me that the myths around sex, age, and physical attractiveness are all actively promoted in newspapers, on television and in popular magazines, so that there is very little room for any other reality to be included.
An interesting contrast to these myths is the list of myths provided by Keith Hawton in his standard work on sexual problems:
- A man always wants and is ready to have sex.
- Sex must only ever occur at the instigation of the man.
- Any woman who initiates sex is immoral
- Sex equals intercourse: anything else doesn't really count
- When a man gets en erection it is bad for him not to use it to get an orgasm very soon.
- Sex should be always natural and spontaneous: thinking or talking about it spoils it.
- All physical contact must lead to intercourse
- Men should not express their feelings
- Any man ought to know how to give pleasure to any woman
- Sex is really good only when partners have orgasms simultaneously
- If people love each other they will know how to enjoy sex together
- Partners in a sexual relationship instinctively know what the other thinks or wants
- Masturbation is dirty or harmful
- Masturbation within a sexual relationship is wrong
- If a man loses his erection it means he doesn't find his partner attractive
- It is wrong to have fantasies during intercourse
- A man cannot say "no" to sex/ a woman cannot say "no" to sex
- There are certain absolute, universal rules about what is normal in sex
