The Untold Dangers of Virginity

If you are looking for a medical report, this ain’t it. However it is a story about some people I knew way back when and the consequences of their semi-virgin state. And it’s OK we can talk about them. It was a long time ago and I am sure they have all moved on in one-way or another. I guess I’ll change the names to protect the semi-innocent as always, but I will make up names constant with their character for your benefit. For me, I just need to write about something lighter right now and that I find amusing in my own warped way. 

Meet one Thelma Louise and Wilbur Anderson. Recently thrown into a melding pot much larger than the small town of their origin. (Sounds like the Twilight Zone, doesn’t it?) Add in a guy by the name of Carl and you have the makings of a triangle with what might have been a predictable outcome but for my meddling. Although the role I played was peripheral, the final results may have been better or worse if I had minded my own business. You can decide that for yourself at the end of the story depending on your own point of view.

Our innocent couple had moved into an Army Town when Wilbur got himself drafted. They came from a very small rural farming area out in the Great Planes somewhere whose exact location is of no importance to this story. As far as I was ever able to determine neither one of them had ever really dated anyone else before their marriage. This seemed to be more a limitation of other eligible candidates rather than love at first sight.

The Players

Now Thelma Lou was exceptionally pretty with all the trimmings in place. In fact if she weren’t married I’d have been out bailing hay with her in a shot. Except for one regretful incident, never to be repeated, married women are off limits. Anyway, bottom line she was a looker. Now Wilbur on the other hand was not particularly handsome. A little bit baby-faced with a Pillsbury Doe Boy middle. At the end of the day, these two did not go together like ham and eggs. As a couple they looked more like ice cream and pickle juice. They lived off post in one of those three room apartments especially made for enlisted families (I personally preferred the barracks).

And then there was Carl. I won’t go into a description of him here since I already introduced him a while back in “Carl and the Hells Angels”. It is enough to say that Carl was more Thelma’s type, or at least she thought so. And as will often happen in Army Towns, everyone was one big happy family; Couples and singles coming and going through Wilbur and Thelma Lou’s little apartment. This of course, is a sure formula for disaster.

Musical Chairs

Sure enough, before long Wilbur shows up at the barracks all long faced and teary. His Thelma Lou, his one and only had thrown him out (I was in shock! - not). That same day Carl is moving out of the barracks. Hummm? As you have guessed Carl was moving in with Thelma Lou. He didn’t even wait for Wilbur's side of the bed to cool off. This, of course, really sent Wilbur off the deep end.

Now Carl is also a friend of mine and while he sinks to a low I’m not making any judgments because I have my own set of lows to contend with. So there’s Carl off providing Thelma Lou what she thinks she needs in a man and I’m stuck with Wilbur moping around the barracks like a wiped puppy. I would just as soon stay clear of the whole thing but I have to listen to Wilbur blubber about how his one true love may be lost to him forever. I tell you it was damn depressing! But you see my dilemma. I’ve got to get Wilbur out of this funk before I shoot myself. What to do?... What to do? ... I’ve got it!

“Hey Wilbur. Raul and I are going down to Juarez tomorrow afternoon. Want to come?” He looking at me with a red eyed teary blank stare. “Com-on, we’ll have a drink. You need to get out of here. A little change will do you good.” After much coaxing he finally agrees and the next afternoon we are off to Juarez.

Wilbur Goes to Disney Land

Now I’m still not sure if I am proud of this, but it was the only thing I could think of to clear this boys head. I also knew that getting him drunk would only make him worse but that was not exactly what I had in mind anyway. Poor Wilbur needed a new point of reference to put all things in perspective and Raul and I were going to give it to him!

Wilbur had never been to Juarez before and to tell you the truth I don’t think he had ever even been in a Go-go bar let alone anything like what you can find in the red light bar district. The boy was fascinated immediately. Raul was from LA and had a real love of chemistry, the kind that comes in capsules. So just to loosen Wilbur up a bit he persuades him to try two of his little blue pills (amphetamine care of any drug store in Mexico - not particularly illegal south of the boarder). Very shortly Wilbur is like a kid in a candy store. And let me tell you that boy had a sweet tooth. He sampled all the candy.   

Needless to say, Wilbur was quickly getting over Thelma Lou. And amphetamine has a way of loosening your tongue to the point of talking ninety miles an hour non-stop about anything and everything. It seems that Thelma Lou, pretty or not, did not provide the same level of entertainment he was now experiencing. Well, I was pleased. Maybe he would stop all the dramatics in the barracks and just live with it. And he did, but something else took its place.

I had created a Frankenstein Monster. The boy lived for going to Juarez and he didn’t need my company, amphetamines, or anything else to get him down there. Every weekend and all weekend without fail. Want to find Wilbur, just check the clubs. I had expected him to find out that Thelma Lou was not the only ride in the amusement park but this was ridiculous. The boy was a roller coaster junky.

Then before two months had past Carl is moving back into the Barracks. Game over! Does Wilbur care now that Thelma Lou has repented the error of her ways? No, not one bit. He was very happy with his new found merry-go-round. Also seems that Thelma Lou found that Carl was not quite what she expected and that he played a little too rough for her, not physically, just emotionally. I could have told her that before if she had asked. And Carl and Wilbur – no problem – I know they even went to Juarez together sometimes.

So what did I do? If I had put up with his sniveling and balling would they have gotten back together at the end of her little diversion from married bliss? Well, I don’t know. But I do know that Wilbur started to get a real beard and lost most of the belly fat. Maybe next time around he will chose more wisely. That is if he ever got out of Juarez! And Thelma Lou; Well she left town a little less delusional and not likely to play with the likes of Carl again.