Virtual Infidelity: Cybersex Addiction

Definition of Sexual Addiction

Sexual Addiction: A maladaptive pattern of sexual behavior, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at anytime in the same 12-month period:

1. Tolerance as defined by either of the following:
   1. A need for markedly increased amount or intensity of the sexual behavior to achieve the desired effect.
   2. Markedly diminished effect with continued involvement in the sexual behavior at the same level of intensity.
2. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:
   1. Characteristic psycho physiological withdrawal syndrome of physiologically described changes and/or psychologically described changes upon discontinuation of the sexual behavior.
   2. The same (or a closely related) sexual behavior is engaged in to relieve or avoid the withdrawal symptoms.
3. The sexual behavior is often engaged in over a longer period, in greater quantity, or at a higher level of intensity than was intended.
4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control the sexual behavior.
5. A greater deal of time is spent in activities necessary to prepare for the sexual behavior, to engage in the behavior, and to recover from its effects.
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the sexual behavior.
7. The psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the sexual behavior continues despite knowledge of its consequences.

(Goodman, 1998)

Effects of Cybersex Addiction on Families

In a limited study on the effects of cybersex addiction on families and partners of the cybersex addict, the partners reported strong feelings of betrayal, hurt, loneliness, rejection, abandonment, devastation, shame, isolation, humiliation, anger, jealousy and loss of self-esteem. Being lied to repeatedly was reported as a major source of distress. As might be expected , Cybersex addiction was a major contributing factor to separation and divorce in couples.

Additionally, and perhaps most critically damaging, was the loss of interest in relational sex in one or both of the partners. Whereas this might appear to be less important on the surface, it is a major source of misdiagnoses by therapists when couples or one of the partners goes for therapy because of sexual difficulties. The cybersex compulsive partner will present with a host of sexual symptoms, such as sexual anorexia, loss of libido, or loss of function (either erectile or orgasmic).

The cybersex compulsive partner may also complain of being “too tired”, or will often blame the non-compulsive partner for not being adventuresome or not being cooperative with desired sexual practices. The non-compulsive partner will then try to please, try to offer more sex, more adventuresome or fetish-oriented sex, to no avail. Non-compulsive partners have had plastic surgery, bought seductive clothing, or made other attempts to physically compete with the fantasy-perfect partner (believing that the problem was the non-compulsive partner's personal unattractiveness), again to no avail.

The reality is, the cybersex compulsive partner is sexually very active, even hyperactive, but with a fantasy machine, effectively, and not with the partner. Therapists, not trained to look for compulsive cybersex as a co-conspirator in the couple's difficulties, do not even consider it when diagnosing or prescribing therapeutic regimens. Nor does the cybersex addict offer this information in therapy.

Many cybersex compulsives do not view this as an issue, believing that online sex is not a form of infidelity. Here, the dissociative model for compulsive cybersex is useful, since the cybersex addict and the co-addict partner who is unaware of the cybersex activity together with the naïve therapist explore every other option for resolving the couple's distress except the right one.

Effects of cybersex addiction on the children

If there were children in the family, the effects of cybersex addiction become even more compelling.

1. The children have lost parental time and attention and have lost their two-parent home (in the homes where there are two parents. It is more devastating in single-parent families when the only parent is a cybersex compulsive).
2. The children are privy to arguments and stress in the home (where the two parents confront/deny the compulsive cybersex behavior).
3. The children have witnessed pornography and masturbation by the cybersex compulsive, and/or have encountered the cyber-addict active in online chat rooms or having phone sex.
4. The children have encountered pornography in the home either online or via web cams attached to the home's computer.
5. The children have suffered neglect when the cybersex addict repeatedly and consistently ignores parental responsibilities.
6. The children go online, view pornography, engage in chat room discussions, often using their parents' credit cards and online identities.
7. Children are traumatized and ashamed when they discover the parent's cybersex compulsive behavior and lose respect for that parent.
8. Some children become sexually promiscuous themselves, and objectify women and sexuality as a result of viewing pornography.
9. Exposure to cybersex in childhood greatly increases the risk of its becoming an addiction that persists into adulthood.