Virtual Infidelity: Cybersex Addiction

The non-cybersex compulsive partner is likely to engage in co-addict behaviors when the discovery of the cybersex compulsion is made. The behaviors are perceived as being the problem, and the partner takes action to “solve” the problem through classic sexual co-addictive behaviors: snooping, bargaining, controlling access to the computer, giving ultimatums, increasing sexual frequency and repertoire, providing information on sexual addiction recovery - all in the hopes of decreasing the partner's desire for cybersex.

The net result of this behavior is to establish a parent-child dynamic within the couple. The non-cybersex compulsive partner is briefly comforted by the illusion of control. This engenders resentment in the addict, which only aggravates the lying and efforts to conceal the cybersex behavior. Some anguished and angered partners retaliate by engaging in cybersex affairs themselves, or in real-time affairs. The abandoned partner is seeking some form of affection and validation, as well as revenge for the loss and devastation wrought by the addict's betrayal.

There are three pre-recovery stages that a co-addict goes through when the cybersex activities come to light: ignorance/denial; shock/discovery of the cybersex, and problem-solving attempts. The denial stage is divided into two phases: first, when the partners recognize there is a problem but are in denial as to its cause; and second, when they come out of denial about the addict's problem and seek active solutions, but remain in denial about their own issues. This pre-recovery stage can last from 4 to 8 years.

The beginning of recovery is an awareness by sexual co-addicts that they are in crisis and need help. Co-addicts enter the crisis stage when they realize their problem-solving efforts are not working and that the cost of remaining in the status quo is intolerable: depressive symptoms, isolation, loss, a “dead” marriage, and their own dysfunctional behaviors (drinking, affairs, even violence).

Most of all, in cases where children are affected, the problem is emergent. At this point, the partner seeks help for himself or herself, rather than continue to try to fix the addict, and accepts that the cause of the problem lies with the addict. The future of the relationship then becomes contingent upon the cybersex addict's commitment to recovery (Schneider, 2002).

Motivation Theory

Two models similarly attempt to explain the power and attraction of the internet for online sexual pursuits. One, the ACE model, postulates that the internet offers Anonymity, Convenience, and Escape. This challenges the man who would never consider entering an adult bookstore to buy pornography or rent videos, or a woman who would never dream of dialing a 900 number. Online, however, people in long-term stable relationships, people who are shy, who are otherwise not inclined to expose themselves publicly in a sexual arena, are free to engage in erotic activities apparently without detection.

Anonymity allows the user to engage in online chats secretly without being discovered by a spouse. Users also are free to disguise their identities in unlimited ways, such as lying about their age, their appearance and even their gender (gender-bending). There the user feels free to be more open and frank, express fantasies and feel comfortable, because online there is a decreased ability to look for, and thus detect, signs of insincerity, disapproval, or judgment in facial expressions, as would be typical in face-to-face interactions. This leads to an instant intimacy, which can then evolve into a cyber affair or cybersex.

Convenience on interactive online applications makes it easy for the curious seeker to go well beyond the boundaries that would be present in face-to-face contact. That this seeking can occur in the relative safety and comfort of the home or office and therefore perceived risk is low or non-existent. A curious person may not be aware that a chat room he has entered is specifically set up to facilitate infidelity. A casual browser may not realize that he has committed virtual adultery when he simply went online in hopes of finding comfort or distraction.

Online eroticism provides a potent escape from the rigors of daily life. A lack of physical contact may convince the compulsive cybersex user that no infidelity has been committed, when he has escaped into a cyber affair with a woman on another continent. The lure of the cyber affair can lead a once-faithful and caring partner to demand his privacy online and become more and more involved in the excitement of the sexual cyber world. People tend to assume that the primary reinforcement for an online affair is the sexual gratification, but there appears to be more at play than simple reinforcement.

So-called “process” or “behavioral” addictions do not require the ingestion of chemicals to create dependency. However, behavioral addictions rely on the manipulation of endogenous chemicals in the brain. Thus, online addictions, like other non-chemical addictions (gambling, sex) involve neurochemical reinforcement. This neurochemical “high” provides the escape that the addict craves, and this emotional or mental escape reinforces the behavior. Excessive involvement in the activity is what leads to the addiction, and the increasing use of the online experience to achieve the same level of “high” (Orzack, 1999).