We all need it but, if we don’t clearly know what it is, how can we ever hope to find it? I doubt if any two people define it the same way. We can’t live without it. We are consumed by our need for it yet are too often too stingy about giving it away.
When I got married the first time, love was defined by my partner’s ability to make my loneliness disappear. I had a very childish notion of “if you give me lots, I’ll give you some”. I became jealous of her 6 year old son. If only I had remembered to Love as he did!
By the time I ended up in rehab I was incredibly lonely and was clueless about love. I had too much self loathing, anger, and hate. I got to know others who had never known Love. Their concept of Love was being beaten.
Through 12 Step work I started to understand the nature of my problems. My focus was out there instead of inside me where the root cause was. Once I got honest with myself I came to understand that it was my interpretations of people, places, and things that caused me all my problems, I started to redefine my world – including Love.
It is a Principle that one must first have it before one can give it. It took a few years of 12 Step work to regain confidence, self respect, vulnerability, responsibility, Trust, gratitude and Love. As one regular 12 Step meeting attendee said, “All you have to do is be kind”. That resonated with me. I can picture that moment now after all these years.
I started out by separating out the sex from Love. There is passion, infatuation, urges, intensity, ardour, rapture, fervour, heat, and hormones. That’s sex. Love on the other hand is what a Mother has toward her child, what a child has naturally toward all, and what best friends have between them. There is no sex. There never was any until the hormones and extra hair started and twisted my mind.
So, what about Intimacy? To me, true intimacy doesn’t have any sex either. True Intimacy is a meeting of minds, a sharing of feelings, a deep understanding and total Trust. The ultimate expression of Intimacy is to be able to say anything that comes from your heart without fear. How do you get it? You give it. Be brave.
Now that I have gone back to basics, it is very clear to me when I am BEING Loving and when I am not. That’s when I need to recognize I have slipped then change focus from what’s missing to what I have. Love takes consistent effort but, it doesn’t have to be work.
I wanted to be able to express Love in other terms. I now know what it is not but what is it really? I wanted a clear definition that represented my understanding and that could be understood by all. I realize that as I continue to learn to Love more fully and universally, I will continue to enhance what Love means to me. The more I give away the more I will get. I have to start somewhere and I am happy to say that my life partner knows exactly what I mean when I say “I Love You!” It is in our wedding vows.
Love is: Admiration, Appreciation, Affection, Acceptance, and Encouragement.
Isn’t it obvious?
