It all started when our overrated adventurer, Justin, woke up in a imaginary desert. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling really displeased, Justin backhanded a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, he realized that his beloved body was missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Cheese. Justin had known Cheese for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Cheese was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Justin called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Cheese picked up to a very calm Justin. Cheese calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys panic before mating, yet albino cats usually surreptitiously shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Justin. Why was Cheese trying to distract Justin? Because he had snuck out from Justin's with the body only eleven days prior. It was a saucy little body... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Justin got back to the subject at hand: his body. Cheese sneezed. Reluctantly, Cheese invited him over, assuring him they'd find the body. Justin grabbed his rhinoceros and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Cheese realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the body and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Justin took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least seven minutes before Justin would get there. But if he took the flying monkey? Then Cheese would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Cheese was interrupted by two stupid trash cans that were lured by his body. Cheese panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he deftly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and aimlessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the flying monkey rolling up. It was Justin.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Justin was out of the flying monkey and went explosively jaunting toward Cheese's front door. Meanwhile inside, Cheese was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the body into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his time machine. Cheese was angered but at least the body was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Cheese surreptitiously purred. With a careful push, Justin opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted genocidal maniac in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Cheese assured him. Justin took a seat alarmingly close to where Cheese had hidden the body. Cheese cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Justin was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Cheese noticed a stupid look on Justin's face. Justin slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Cheese felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Justin asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the body right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Justin's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Justin nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Cheese could react, Justin aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The body was plainly in view.
Justin stared at Cheese for what what must've been eleven seconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Cheese groped sassily in Justin's direction, clearly desperate. Justin grabbed the body and bolted for the door. It was locked. Cheese let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Justin,' he rebuked. Cheese always had been a little selfish, so Justin knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Cheese did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his body tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Cheese looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Justin. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Justin. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Cheese walked over to the window and looked down. Justin was gone.
Just yonder, Justin was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Cheese's place. Justin had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral trash cans suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the body. One by one they latched on to Justin. Already weakened from his injury, Justin yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of trash cans running off with his body.
But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Justin's body. Feeling pleased, God smote the trash cans for their injustice. Then He got in His 'modded' Civic and darted away with the fortitude of 153 long-haired sea monkeys running from a oversized pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Justin danced with joy when he saw this. His body was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes his favorite TV show, , was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet weapon of mass destruction'). Justin was pleased. And so, everyone except Cheese and a few ebola-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after
