Does Mother or Father Really Know Best?

The current most widely accepted viewpoint of our society suggests that there is a difference in parenting skills and thus the value of care provided, that is dependent upon the gender of the parent functioning as the primary caretaker of the child. Simply stated, The American people have accepted a standard cultural norm that suggests that women possess an in-born gift, or maternal instinct, that is somehow superior to the parenting instincts that men are genetically predisposed to develop. One of the end results of this societal belief has been a focus on maternal rights and responsibilities in child rearing, which has been called into question by many over the course of the past few decades. The concept that a male parent is equally capable of meeting all of the essential parenting needs of his children as a female parent is disputed in most areas of our society, from the social to the legal arena. The intent of this paper is to dispute the opinion that men, on the basis of gender, are less capable of meeting the needs of their children, and to suggest that emphasis on the development of parenting skills for males will alter the previous societal norm through the process of cultural change.

According to the United States Census Bureau, in the year 2006 there were more than 2.5 million identified single father families within the country, with a ratio of 1 out of every 6 single parents being male. Based on this particular statistic, it is apparent that without regard to the circumstances that led to single fatherhood, such as divorce, death of the mother, or adoption, single father families exist in numbers worthy of consideration in current societal norms. The occurrence of the single-father family is likely to increase, as it has over the past decades, and as such the issue that we must address is how to foster the growth of parental skills in all males without regard to marital status or sexual orientation. By what means can we as a society assist in the development of stronger paternal instincts as the norm, so that a father's ability to parent is not called into question as a reflex action?

The act of parenting children, from infancy to adulthood, has always been a vital aspect of the continuation of humanity, and yet it is important to note that each culture and time period throughout history has differed in child-rearing philosophies and normal patterns of behavior. "Every period of history has had beliefs about children and how parents should train, discipline and prepare them for good citizenship"  specific to the particular culture. While it is important to recognize the trends of the past in order to comprehend the current standards that are applied to parenting, greater significance must be applied to the consideration of the goals of effective parenting in order to identify positive parenting traits and skills, regardless of the gender of the parent.

Once it is acknowledged that parenting is not a selfish activity that is undertaken for its rewards alone, which include love and affection, the continuation of the family, and the joy of watching one's children grow to adulthood, it is then necessary to identify goals that are common in order to provide for the development, health, and overall well-being of children. What specific capabilities must a parent develop in order to nurture, guide and care for their child while striving for a healthy and well-adjusted functioning member of society as the final goal in their parenting responsibilities? "Parents have a complex task of guiding a specific child to maturity by using the opportunities provided by the environment, while avoiding its detrimental aspects". According to Uri Bronbrenner, psychologist, author, and professor at Cornell University whose theory of the ecology of human development remains widely quoted even after his death, "What are the conditions that are basic to a child's healthy intellectual and moral development? The most important is a special kind of long-term relationship with a person who is deeply attached to the child. Food, shelter and affection are important, but in order to develop--intellectually, socially and morally, a child needs a loving adult with whom to participate in progressively more complex reciprocal activities". It is important to note that the gender of the person attached to the child, the loving adult, is not specified.

Bronbrenner's statement that food and shelter are important can be compared to Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, in which basic physiological needs must be met for survival. Each of these vital needs, for air, water, food and sleep, can be provided to an infant or developing child without regard to the gender or relationship of the care provider. Breastfeeding of the newborn and infant is widely recommended as the ideal source of nutrition , and according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) "breastfeeding ensures the best possible health as well as developmental and psychosocial outcomes for the infant"  However, it is essential to recognize that "A century ago, babies who couldn't be breast-fed usually didn't survive. Today, although breast-feeding is still the best nourishment for infants, infant formula is a close enough second that babies not only survive but thrive". The availability of commercially prepared infant formula, regulated by the Food and Drug Administration, eliminates the only barrier to meeting the physiological needs of the infant child that men, by virtue of biology and their own anatomy, are unable to provide.

In order to evaluate the ability of men to meet all of the remaining basic physiological needs of the developing child, which include air and water, and then expand to include sleep and shelter, and in our society such other needs as bathing, dressing, diapering or toilet training, it is important to note that there is no scientific evidence to indicate that a woman has an innate ability to bathe, diaper, or dress an infant or child. Basic childcare is a learned behavior, and while traditionally women have been socialized from their own childhood to participate in these activities, either through play or through observation of their own families of origin, the male parent certainly has the capability to learn these same behaviors. Considering each of these tasks individually, it is obvious that bathing a child, dressing a child, or even applying a diaper (in spite of television and the media's effort to portray a man attempting to secure a diaper on a wriggling infant as a comedic event, in which the male lacks the basic manual dexterity to accomplish this task) do not require the female gender. Thus, there is no biological basis to assume that men are by nature less capable of providing physical care to their children.
In consideration of the infant and child's need for sleep and shelter, two other basic physiological needs, a father is just as capable of rocking an infant to sleep and maintaining a safe household in which to provide shelter as the female parent. Contrary to past media representations of a harried father handing over a crying infant to the mother in order for her to work her soothing maternal magic, infants respond to the scent of the parent and the sound of the parent's heartbeat when being held. A father who has consistently fulfilled the role of soothing his crying infant will be just as capable of displaying his soothing paternal magic.

For over a century, "experts" have been making parenting advice available to the general public. The actual advice itself may have changed considerably, from the recommendations of the past, but the concept of developing methods of not only involving parents in goals of improved parenting techniques, as well as the sociological studies to support techniques, continue to be more and more available to the average parent. Every public library has shelves devoted to parenting topics, public schools and community centers offer parenting classes, and technological advances such as the internet have made a vast array of parenting resources available to almost every member of society, if not in their own homes, than in libraries where internet access is provided.

"Within psychological studies of parent's involvement in socialization, there is much literature on the significance of parental methods" . It is the actual methods themselves that have evolved over the years, from the emotionally distant "provider" paternal role of previous generations, to the active, involved and consistent father that many currently aspire to be.
Upon meeting the basic physiological needs of the child, the involved parent, either male or female, then continues to build upon their repertoire of parenting skills in order to learn new skills and techniques, as the infant progresses to toddler, then child, and then adolescence. As each stage of childhood brings new developmental behaviors, so must the parent develop new methods and means to cope with those behaviors, and to continue to foster and encourage the emotional growth and development of the child.

"Popular theories on parenting change, and attitudes and parenting philosophy continue to evolve" ).
Having achieved the ability to meet the basic fundamental needs for physical well being of the child, the active parent and the observer must then consider the next level of human need, that of safety and security. "Once those two types of needs are satisfied, belongingness and love needs are the next to take precedence.". It is at this point that the question concerning a man's ability to nurture comes into play. "Despite lingering conventions, basic nurturing and tuning into your children's needs is not a woman thing, but human". Again, the ability to provide nurturing and emotional support, safety and security is not isolated to the female gender. A father, if not already socialized to do so within his own family of origin and by observing other positive male role models who succeed in both traditional and non-traditional roles, can augment his learned behaviors of the past by applying the same practices of learning any other new skill. Additionally, as our culture continues to redefine what it means to be a parent, what it means to be a man, and all other gender based stereotypes, the shift to a new cultural norm will continue to affect change within the next generations of males.

In short, it is "the characteristics of the father as a parent rather than as a man that are most likely to influence child development". It is not the gender of the parent, but the quality of the parenting actions and role that have the greatest impact on the health and emotional well-being, and development of the child. To identify positive parenting actions and roles, we must again look at the desired outcome of effective parenting, and the means by which this occurs. Additionally, we much examine the methods by which these skills are learned, and incorporate that learning into the cultural socialization of boys and young men, in order to incorporate active and involved fatherhood as a gender norm, rather than a rarity.

"A father's role is increasingly multifaceted. He is, ideally, a breadwinner, a coach, a moral guide, a source of love and inspiration" . Lamb further states that he has observed significant changes in the involvement of fathers in parenting over the past several decades. This statement is not in any way meant to disparage the role of the mother, but it does enhance the notion that an active father is more than a financial source of support for a developing child. Lamb may have failed to adequately address the true multifaceted nature of the father in the 21st century, as it is becoming more common for the father's role to include not just a source of love and inspiration, but for the father to be the packer of the school lunchbox, the bedtime story reader, the accompanying adult for all health care appointments and more. Today's father may earn the money to support the family, supervise homework while cooking dinner, and arrange play dates for his children. It is becoming more common for a father to not only attend and cheer at youth sporting events, but to follow through with doing the laundry to remove the grass stains from the baseball uniform.

In a study to evaluate sex roles and parenting involvement completed at Penn State University, results indicated that "men's sense of competency and the degree to which they indicate a desire to become involved in child care- measured prior to when they become fathers- are quite good predictors of what they actually do with their children" . This indicates that it is motivation, and not in-born genetic predisposition, that has a greater influence on men and their parenting practices. Parental competence has been defined in the terms of both sensitivity and involvement, so that "the parent must be sensitive to the child's needs in developmentally appropriate ways, but this sensitivity must be put into action if the caregiver is to be considered competent".

Clearly motivation and the desire or intent to be a good parent are not enough, the father must follow through with determined actions. Bradford and Hawkins also state that "the notion of father competence comprises affective, behavioral and cognitive aspects of fathering" and that past positive experiences of intimate and supportive relationships have an impact on an individual's ability to commit to any relationship, including that of a caregiver or father. This suggests that while an intimate relationship such as that with a female spouse has failed, a past experience with a nurturing and supportive father or other parent of one's own may certainly increase one's ability and expectations about maintaining an active role in fatherhood.
Parenting goals should be established for much the same reason that a successful business measures the quality of its services by evaluating outcomes. It is important to "Identify your long-range parenting goals and act accordingly". This is not to suggest that parenting is a business, or an occupation, but rather that the principles of quality improvement that have propelled industry and healthcare forward can also be applied to parenting techniques and skills. Frequent self-evaluation of not only the child's progress towards developmental goals, but also the parent's satisfaction with his accomplishments in dealing with the challenges of parenting, can encourage the continued growth and strive for excellence that we see in the corporate world.

With this statement in mind, it is possible to consider that the occurrence of divorce in our society need not be an preordained death toll for the family, but rather may allow for the development of other non-traditional family units such as are indicated in the 2006 United States Census reports. In order to achieve true gender equity between males and females, as women seek positions outside the realm of previous "acceptable" roles, it is imperative that they also acknowledge that the same gender stereotypes that may have held them back in the past have had an impact on their male counterparts as well, and that the role of the man has been restricted based upon preconceived notions of what men and women can and cannot do.
In conclusion, while past trends in culture and society may have relegated the father to the role of distant observer and financial supporter, more and more families today function under the guidance of just one parent, and that one parent is increasingly male. Personal choice to enhance one's role and parenting skills, motivation, and an increased emotional connection to the child or children can be a continuous circle, in which the father develops a closer bond, and thus develops and more active role, which then further cements the bond of the parent/child relationship. Gender of both parent and child certainly play a part in the communication and interaction between parent and child, but there is no true basis to the misconception that mothers have maternal instincts and abilities that fathers are incapable of developing.