I’m eighteen years old, strong, fiercely independent, can handle anything, and tired of the shit. I run off and get married. Not long into the marriage, my husband, without warning, runs off and leaves me broke, on the verge of being homeless, and pregnant. He has completely abandoned me because he can’t handle responsibility and he thinks he’s going to go out and become a famous rock star. Needless to say, we get divorced. Around the time our child turns two years old, my ex-husband returns. He’s in and out of lives, there and gone, there and gone. We have a second child together and get re-married. Why, because even though his personality is like a mirror image of my father, an alcoholic, cold, aggressive, and controlling, I desperately want that “Great American Family” and am willing to do whatever it takes to have it. He doesn’t like a woman to be independent because it makes him feel inferior and not needed. Without realizing it, I hand my independence over to him little by little until I completely lose myself. I sink myself into work, home, and the needs of my children completely ignoring my own needs, desires, and goals. I am so focused in my desire for the “Great American Family,” I don’t even realize there are problems. Flash! My eyes are now open. I see the problems. I try and discuss the issues with my husband and get nothing but opposition and complete refusal on his part to look at himself.
My mind rapidly flashes through the images, my husband having extramarital affairs and getting another woman pregnant, “Flash”, abuse, “Flash”, harshness directed at my children, “Flash, Flash, Flash!” I’m done! Flash! It’s time I take back my identity and personal power. While my husband is out of town, I pack up my children and only what I need and move out.
I am becoming a liberated woman. I’m taking back my personal freedom just as the women did in the 60’s. I refuse to accept abuse or control from my father, my ex-husband, or anyone for that matter and it feels wonderful. Flash! The flashes and images in my mind are coming in a little calmer now gently taking me into the next chapter of my life.
I’m in a stage of understanding and healing. I have an intense desire to understand the events of my life and what makes people tick. Standing in observation, I realize people are unhappy in their own skin. I realize my fathers’ acid trips, pot smoking, anger, guilt for living, and so on are all residuals of his experience in Vietnam. My ex-husbands anger and control is a result of his mother abandoning him at the age of two giving him a feeling of being un-deserving of love. No one, including myself appears to have self-love. I now perceive self-acceptance and love for ourselves to be the key to success in all aspects of our lives. Why? Because without self-judgment the need to judge others becomes obsolete. Without self-hatred, the need to project hatred, anger, or control upon others diminishes. With the elimination of self-destruction, there would be less chaos. I develop the desire to help not only myself, but others as well, in the obtainment of self-love. I begin writing with a passion. Once I reach the point of having enough material written for a book, I have it published. The book circles around the idea of gaining self-love, forgiveness, healthier thought processes, unity, and so forth. And Flash!
My desire to help bring peace and healing to the world is born. I continue to write as often as possible and create a web site dedicated to helping others in their individual healing process. I quit my job and dedicate my time to writing, artwork, and doing poetry readings, speeches, etc. at gatherings for anyone interested in healing for their own personal growth and development.
My mind quickly shifts me to the next stage of my life. Money! I’m a starving artist. I take a job as office manager at a heating and air company. This is where I met good ole Bob, the owner of the company. Bob is the most prejudice, racist man I had ever met. I had no idea this kind of racism still exists. He sounds like someone from a male white power group. He has something harsh to say about anyone that is not a white male. I find this heartless and disgusting. I stand up and convey to him what I think of him and his cold, heartless mindset toward others, tell him what he can do with his job, and walk out. It sets my writing hand into motion once more and creates an even deeper desire to heal the world.
