This writer comes to you as a person who views herself as an eccentric and depending upon the time and circumstances of her life, even a misfit. At first it was because I couldn't fit it but later, much later, it was because I didn't want to. I review my own life and the stages of development that we all must pass through and now see that it was a rare time that I actually easily adapted to the path mapped out for me. Even in the early school years this was readily apparent because I had a learning disability. And, while I was not disciplined for behavioral problems because I was too fearful to be openly disruptive, I was censored for being a withdrawn, dreamy kid who preferred to live in the world inside her own head. I spent hours staring out of the window daydreaming, spinning fabulous yarns of success and beauty inside my head because it was preferable to reality. I was a square peg in a round hole and, as young as I was, I knew that wasn't about to change anytime soon.
As a family therapist, I have seen in myself in the parade of children wearing strained or carefully constructed noncommittal expressions on their faces brought to my office by their anxious parents. They have already learned that they are different and being different isn't very good. These are the children who are told to behave in ways that run counter to their dispositions and aptitudes by their schools, families and even the few friends they might have. They feel flawed, suffer low self-esteem, struggle with depression and anger or, worst of all, have quit trying.
Josephine, a second grader, daydreamed a lot. When she wasn't daydreaming she was drawing pictures, passing notes and creating small disruptions through provoking other students. The teacher's continued missives to the parents carried the message of, “Josephine is a disruptive, Josephine is not living up to her potential.” The teacher was right. Josephine wasn't living up to her potential. She was bored. Testing later revealed that she had a high I.Q. and, while she was pulling Cs and Bs with little or no effort, she wasn't feeling challenged. On the other hand, Danny had trouble following the lessons. He would have angry outbursts and overflowing with feelings of frustration, took more than his share of time-outs.
Danny's tests showed that he had problems with auditory discrimination and, while he was certainly capable of learning, he needed to be taught in a different way. Because Danny had outbursts, medication was recommended to control his behaviors. (Incidentally, the United States has gained dubious infamy of throwing more pills at our kids that any other country in the world.) Josephine and Danny, labeled as behavior problems, were essentially on the opposite ends of a continuum with one child being gifted and another child struggling with learning disabilities. Fortunately, these children were in good schools that worked hard to meet their needs and Danny and Josephine were mainstreamed in special classes in addition to the normal curriculum in order to meet their needs. But the one thing the schools could not give these children was a sense of belonging and their self-esteem suffered.
My middle school years were marked by struggles with a poor body image. I know now I wasn't any fatter or thinner than the average student but I felt fatter and as hormones dictated my body was changing, something I was not prepared to handle. While I was able to make a few friends I wouldn't call them close friends and I never really successfully connected with anybody. My bedroom continued to be my fortress, food and books my escape hatch. There were a few bullies along the way but I dealt with them the way I dealt with everything else, by shutting down emotionally and withdrawing.
Another difficulty I had was brought about by my inability to sit still for long periods of time. To this day I cannot sit in one-place more than two and a half hours, tops. I am literally physically compelled to get up and move about in response to the feeling that I can best describe as having restless body syndrome. I discovered the wonders of origami and other handicrafts operating under the cover of my desktop during class. Keeping my hands busy kept me from jumping out of my skin and I learned a very useful skill, how to look alert and interested. As is probably evident now, in addition to having a learning disability, I had hyperactive attention deficit disorder.
Middle school children who don't feel like they fit in might as well wear a sign on their backs that says kick me because they send out clear signals that they are vulnerable and available targets. The bullies know this and zero in with an unerring instinct usually picking up on a trait that stands out such as being fat or having big ears or being slow. The victims of the bullies live in fear retreating deeper inside themselves and/or they do a slow simmer becoming hostile and aggressive and developing anger management problems. Cringing in fear, shutting down emotionally or exploding in outrage are all danger signals. These days, families and schools are much more savvy in recognizing these alarm bells and respond accordingly but not always. There still too many situations in which a child is overlooked. When children do not get the help they need, they walk a rocky and dangerous path that leads to minimally self-diminishing behaviors and, in the worst-case scenarios, self-destructive behaviors. An eleven-year old girl expressed it this way to me, “I feel like I am dragging a heavy wagon all the time and I get so tired.”
