As a stay-at-home mother, I frequently take my 2-year-old son Daniel, to the park. At the park we have observed other parents with their toddlers who arrive about the same time Daniel and I do. As a result, Daniel has found playmates in Brad, Virginia, and Antonio. One Afternoon Antonio's father and I watched as Antonio ran across the playground after Daniel, called him a punk then pushed him onto the ground where he remained crying to himself. Three year-old Virginia approached Daniel, hugged him and tried to wipe his tears away. A little embarrassed, Mr. Lawes apologized for his son's behavior adding that at home he constantly gets into things and has become more and more demanding.
“He refuses to listen to anything I have to say to him or ask of him,” says Mr. Lawes.
I saw that Daniel had regained his composure as he, Virginia and Brad were playing a friendly game of "catch me if you can."
Later that evening after putting Daniel to bed many questions came to my mind. Was Antonio's aggressive behavior towards Daniel learned or instinctive? Can his behavior be changed? What can parents do to develop values of moral character in their children in order to behave appropriately?
Experts say that most of children's behavior is learned. What behavior is learned depends on how they interact with their environment.
Sue Spayth Riley, How to Generate Values in Young Children says, “the tasks of parents is to shape their child's learning environment. This would give them frequent practice in freedom of choice.” Riley tells how Sam is given an opportunity to freely learn to choose. Sam was two and a half. He had learned to stay dry during the day and wore training pants. However, at night he wore diapers. Sam drank his bottle of milk before he fell asleep. So, his diapers were soggy by morning. One evening he decided he didn't want to wear diapers anymore, but still wanted his bottle at bedtime. The next morning his crib was soaked with urine leaving Sam miserable and unhappy. The next evening his mother gave him the freedom to choose between two alternatives.
She said, “Sam, if you want the bottle at night, that's fine, but you get so wet you'll have to use diapers. If you want to wear only training pants, that's fine too but you will have to stop the bottle before bedtime.”
Remembering he wanted to wear training pants only, he chose to give up the bottle. The next morning he woke up dry and happy. Riley further points out that as unimportant as this may appear to parents, children live in the here and now. Sam's ability to make choices regarding his own growth means the world to him. With every opportunity to practice making choices of this kind, children are achieving personal authority. As Sam grows into adulthood he would be prepared to solve many problems he would encounter. More importantly, he would solve these problems with calm assurance, confidence, and ability to reason.
Additionally, Riley indicates that parents must not shape or guide the choosing situation for their child to ultimately choose what the parents want.
James Lebron remembers how he cheated his five-year old son Dolan from his freedom to choose. “I was impatient,” ways James. “He wanted to buy bubble gums of different colors with his allowance. I knew it was a bad choice and wanted him to buy the paint set instead.
With an edge in his voice James had told his son, "Not bubble gum. It is bad for your teeth.” Eventually Dolan unhappily left the discount store with a book, which he really didn"t want.
Clark Moustakas, Personal Growth, says that whenever the parents manipulate the child's mind to make their choices it retards the child's ability to think and reason. Continuously denying your child his or her freedom to choose causes him or her to loose self-empowerment and personal authority. Jean Piaget (1896-1980), who emphasized that “social life is necessary for the individual to become conscious his own mind.” The formal operational stage of the child's cognitive development, about age 12, becomes impaired.
Riley states parents must further provide a safe haven for the child to be allowed the freedom to make his or her wrong decisions. How on earth could a parent sit back and knowingly see their child make wrong choices? As difficult as this may be it is crucial to begin practicing at Piaget's preoperational stage of the child's cognitive development, age two, in order to establish a sense of right and wrong decisions.
