The Angel story was still a mystery to me, I had been told by a few of the floor Nurses about it, but couldn't understand fully or check to see for myself exactly what was supposed to have happened just outside the large hospital window next to the bed I lay in.
As the story went, Outside of my hospital room window, down on top of a very large massive air conditioning unit there was said to have been the formation of an "angel". It had appeared and was reported back in 1998, this would have been just a few years earlier as it was currently 2002. The phenomenon was awesome for me to hear, and it would be quite sometime before I really knew the full story that had been written and reported on a television news report. I believe it was also reported nationally.
I was currently too weak to move, hooked up to a machine and many tubes connected to various colored bags were feeding me a variety of different concoctions, they frequently drained and had to be changed. Just seeing it was quite frightening, they were continuously dripping into my body. I would frequently close my eyes and wonder how I had come to this, what had been so wrong with me that I now was lying in the hospital what seemed like endless days and nights.
I could not get out of my bed even to try and reach for a cup of water which lay right close to me on the side swinging arm table top. I no longer had the strength to move even a little, a nurse or aide would hopefully come and help me when I needed something. I had wanted to keep my mind busy and pass the time by reading a magazine or newspaper, however I would drop everything I attempted to pick up as I had become very weak, there was little strength in my arms. In front of my bed the large white wall was to become the visual landscape of my life for a very long recovery period. On that wall was a good sized gold framed picture of an "angel".
An inspiring picture, I would look at often and mentally try and connect. I had been through so much that I was now mentally corresponding with a picture! I believe it was my way of praying, asking for forgiveness, did I do something that awful to have ultimately landed me here? Away from the very things, and mostly people I loved, especially my young son who prayed daily for my safe return home.
A few times I asked one of my ever changing nurses and was always told the same story about the angel formation and now another one was said to be forming. Only the regular nurses that had been there for sometime knew of the story. The nurses were terribly busy on this floor as it was recovering patients and new ones were always coming in and they took priority.
Me? Well, I had been here for a while and was not tended to as regularly as the others. I would have to press a button on my bed if I needed a nurse and just pray they would come to me sooner rather than later. It depended upon how much pain I was in or what I needed, I hesitated asking for help too often. For the most part I was pretty good, everything depended on it, I knew if I complained or hit the button for a nurse too often I would land in “bad standing” with the nurses on duty and would have an even longer wait until I saw someone at my door.
I had entered this hospital by ambulance a little over 2 weeks earlier.
It was our Christmas 2002 and this was the farthest thing from our minds. My suddenly becoming so ill, being admitted to the hospital, then counting the hours, days and now weeks until I would be able to leave. The fear was embedded deep in me as I didn't know what was wrong with me, nor did I get clear answers from my doctors. My pains were stomach related and were causing havoc with my whole system. I had test after test to try and discover what the problem was, the doctors did not seem to know. I had no one advocating for me and felt quite helpless.
I frequently felt misdiagnosed, ignored and very frightened. For me to be sick was an inconvenience but this was a living nightmare. I had a young son waiting for me to return home, he needed me and was alone too much of the time. His nightmares were starting and I had to talk him through it by phone. I daily called past sitters and begged them to stay with my son for a while, they would come and go. I offered as high a price as possible just to have the piece of mind knowing they would be there to care of Chad. He was only 12 and had ADD plus which meant there were challenges that I hoped I was able to convey to his sitters, all this from a hospital bed.
I had been in the hospital for too long, I had seen and heard too much! When lucky enough to sleep my daily thoughts turned my dreams into nightmares, my psyche slowly eroding. I tried my best in the condition I was now in to will myself to get better, to be well enough to hear the words I so needed to hear, “Yes, you are well enough to go home.” I still was waiting, I would in all be in this hospital for just short of one month, it was nothing short of shocking.
I eventually was able to return home although wondered if I was strong enough to take care of myself and son alone. I had friends that were kind enough to bring things to us once home. I wasn't sure I had made the best decision however I was convinced that my son could stay there no longer without me. I would have to take good care and pray to heal myself further alone and from my home. I at least now ended Chad's nightmares and tried to orchestrate a once again smoothly running home.
It was a very long recovery road for me and far from easy but through the sheer grace of god and many prayers, I was finally out of that very frightening long hospital stay and back home. I now would work to repair what had unfortunately landed me in the hospital one month earlier. We still would celebrate the missed Holiday's but this time it had a much deeper meaning for us.
We still pray for no reoccurrences, but life makes no promises and now I have a plan in place for my son, should anything threaten to leave him alone unexpectedly.
