I remember one Saturday the cook poured the icing mix in the cake pans and started baking them for about 15mins before he realized his mistake. He looks at me and says “this is what happens to a mind on drugs.” I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. First of all my job detail was permanent pot washer-so of course I am responsible for cleaning all these pans and mixers quick, so he can un-do his mix-up. Secondly, I just thought to myself “what else is new around here chef”. I didn't have the heart to say “sorry chef - I can't relate, but I can tell you what stress and impulse decisions can lead you to mixing-up”- so I just kept quiet.
It was so hard to express that it tore me apart to hear the heart shattering stories of how drug addictions had destroyed their lives and the lives of their families. Often after hearing their stories in group, I couldn't blame them for trying to escape.
At the helm of my realization that it was going to be a long 60days, most of my confusion and frustration lied with God. I knew that I was no better than any of these women, but why did I feel like an alien.
The Reason for the Season
God revealed to me that, I was launched on a learning and sanctification assignment for his ministry work. I had forgotten that I had asked God to give me a new life and let me be an example to show others how to do the same.
This revelation never absolved the feelings that-“God I have never abused drugs and I don't abuse alcohol - so how am I going to survive in a Rehab.” Well, soon after I realized that God uses ordinary people to magnify his extraordinary power. Moses didn't want his assignment either, as a matter of fact he told God that he is not eloquent, he has a slow tongue -(KJV). Jonah tried to shirk his assignment. Yet God used him to lead a pagan nation to repentance. Jesus never said God's work was easy. Noah was an alcoholic, but was obedient to God-albeit the cynicism, mockery and perplexing expressions when building the boat.
It was further revealed to me by my heavenly creator that I will spend these next 60 days understanding what it means to be transformed and receive a new life to serve God. There are people like myself that believe in God and consistently want all of God's blessings, yet don't want to consistently follow all of God's commandments. Well there are people who believe they can recover from drug/alcohol addictions and want to stay clean, but they don't want to go through the process of total recovery.
The Assignment
From time to time, clients uttered comments that I spent too much time in the kitchen. I was the only permanent pot washer - where else should I be! For me it was a place of quiet time with God. With every new day I began to understand that for most addicts there are deep wounds that have to be healed. They wanted a new life, just like I had asked God for.
During one of the weekly didactic sessions “Relapse and Recidivism,” the facilitator, who surprisingly, always started class with a prayer-spoke about isolation as a common characteristic amongst addict's. Then he glances over at me. He further alludes to observing me read a magazine during the first time I attended class- “this is the perfect illustration of an addict who doesn't want to recover and who will relapse- so everybody needs to help her out.” I guess there was some truth to his statement; however he probably forgot that the first day he met me I told him I was there for community service! Step #1 in the NA Book says that addicts have to acknowledge that they are helpless and their lives are unmanageable due to their addictions. He probably brushed off my response as “Denial,” one of the characteristics of a grieving addict.
Sometimes rehab time is just “rest” time clarified the brutally honest, intelligent and loquacious addict Joan. She has been on drugs since she was 25 and now that she is 55 she is ready to recover and stay clean- she's tired. She told me that she knows the bible has all the answers she needs, but it is only God that has kept her this long through the numerous treatment centers, and relapses. Also God has maintained her good health, a relationship with her child, joy and most of her teeth! Now she has her mind made up and her heart is fixed to start praying more, reading the bible, going to church and to NA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous).
