Have you ever felt like you are different or that other people have judged you unfairly?
Have you ever felt like all you wanted was to be understood and to be accepted for who you are?
We all have skeletons and things that we don't share with people because we are afraid of being judged. Sometimes those things are choices we made in the past that we are not proud of and sometimes they are things that happened that were beyond our control. Whatever it is, if it makes you feel like you are different, it has potential to cause you to feel ashamed, alienated and alone.
Human beings like to share things in common with other human beings. It is why people with motorcycles and jeeps wave at each other, and why people who love body art are interested in each other's tattoos. It is why we have groups - thousands of them, in fact - for interests and activities, such as investing or hiking, and groups for social and global issues, such as environmentalism and child protection. As human beings, we advocate and speak out in response to the issues and plights we feel on individual, social, and cultural levels. Groups of all kinds are formed to address injustices, to break free of oppression, to confront the fear of being shamed. Whether it is an official group or an unofficial ‘community', it creates a space to just be who you are, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, without judgement. Where you may have felt like you were the only one, it gives you a place to create connections with other people that are mutually supportive.
This is one thing that connects Lean On Me to every other group. It is a space for people, who at one point felt isolated and alone in a situation and a system that keeps them hidden, to connect with others who can empathize, understand, and support them. It has met a huge need in our community and has filled a gap that was missing. It is the first group of its kind in Ontario and it is continuing to transform something so negative into something positive for not only the people who are impacted by homicide but for our entire community.
For the rest of our community who have never experienced homicide directly, the thoughts, feelings and reactions to reading about it or hearing about it are similar:
"It is scary to think that it is a reality and that it happens every day."
"It is scary that humans are capable of doing that. It is scary that people are resorting to it, that they have lost control of their emotions somehow, and that they came to that brink."
"It is scary to think that we are not protected the way we should be and that society is not protected."
"It is scary that there are not services in place that aid people to prevent it from happening."
"I think that it's terrible and senseless."
"I feel disbelief - disbelief that it actually happens in my city. It's something that's more for the movies."
"I think about their families and the loss."
These sentiments reveal the impact that a violent, sudden death has not only on the families of the person who is murdered but also on the community at large.
When there are tragedies in our communities and our world - whether it is a house that burns down or a tsunami - human beings have shown an incredible ability to pull together to support those in need. In Jewish communities, for instance, when there is a death the neighbours will come together around the family to help them at their time of need. Something is different when there is a homicide, and instead of neighbours and the community coming together around the family there is a sense of fear and people pull away instead of giving outwards. While wondering why this is, one person commented, "It's like people somehow think that it's transmittable. You cannot ‘catch' murder." Maybe it occurs to people that ‘if it happened to them, then it could happen to me' or they wonder ‘what did they do to cause it?'...we always want to have a reason to explain and rationalize what is beyond comprehension.
How would you react? Why would you react that way?
What we don't understand, we fear, and there is nothing we fear more than death. When it is not a choice, the cause of the death is the cause of the fear. Homicide just does not make sense to us. We try to put the pieces together to make sense of it so it is less fearful and we construct reasons, legitimate or not, to rationalize it. "People don't know what to say so or do and we alienate people sometimes unknowingly." Our society does not have enough information about it. We hear about the crime - the who, what, where, when and how - but we don't know the why. We can never know - even when there is a ‘reason', the act itself goes against human nature and there is no ‘why' that justifies it. The military puts soldiers through rigorous psychological training to desensitize them so they are capable of killing another person. When a person in our own community does this, we are acutely aware that there is something wrong. Much bigger questions arise concerning our society and the social issues prevalent today but we feel powerless to do anything about it. It seems like a pipe-dream to have a peaceful world. We ask ourselves ‘what is the world coming to?!', but then we turn the page of the paper or go back to watching our favourite sitcoms. ‘Those people' - the ones who choose a lifestyle of crime and violence - are not like you. You think to yourself, "I'm glad I don't live in THAT neighbourhood". You are separate from ‘them'.
