Divorce is a very difficult time for marriage partners, emotionally and financially. When my wife came to me and said that she wanted a divorce, I was crestfallen, confused, sad, angry, frustrated, and a lot of other emotions as well. We have two lovely children, and the thought of breaking up our family was absolutely unthinkable to me - too bad the decision wasn't mine alone. Furthermore, my wife and I did not hate each other nor did we argue or criticize each other, although we were just roommates parenting together, not husband and wife, and we had not been husband and wife for some time.
After beseeching her to attend counseling and try to patch things up - to no avail - she left it up to me to get the ball rolling on the divorce. I began researching the choices on divorce. It seemed that the choices were a contested divorce with each marriage partner getting a lawyer and working through the lawyers, or a mediated divorce where the parties work with a mediator (typically an attorney or family law private judge) to see if the parties can reasonably settle matters without appealing to a court to order the affairs of the parties. Mediated divorce is sometimes called “collaborative divorce” and the parties can use lawyers or not. If the parties use lawyers, they must strive to retain lawyers committed to the “collaborative divorce” process; otherwise, the agreement to collaborate on the divorce can easily break down into a contested divorce.
It is not easy to talk to your soon-to-be ex-spouse about custody and division of assets. Imagine yourself talking with your spouse about who gets that favorite picture on the wall, the family photos, the wedding gifts, the pots and pans! Yes, divorce is terrible in those respects. However, given that it is an awful and sometimes painful process, if your spouse is a reasonable person where give-and-take and compromises are possible, then collaborative divorce is the only way to go.
First, collaborative divorce can save both spouses thousands of dollars that would be paid to the attorneys to communicate matters that you can communicate to each other. Also, the mediator can prepare your divorce paperwork for the same or lower cost than two attorneys fighting over the provisions; you just have to read the documents yourself to make sure they are correct for you. You are also free to consult with your mediator about the provisions, and since the mediator is a family law attorney, the mediator will know as much about the law as your own attorney.
Second, it can be much more productive and faster to collaborate on a divorce than fight through attorneys and use the courts. Attorneys introduce a lot of delay into the process, and will sometimes impede progress on the divorce rather than enhance it. Also, if you can coordinate your calendar with the mediator and your spouse, there is less waiting time for the attorneys to review matters and reply to you or the other side.
Third, there can be less stress associated with the process. It is already stressful, but getting calls from your attorney with new demands and time-frames can be distracting and very stressful. Collaborative divorce has its own stresses as well. I found negotiating with my spouse with the mediator to be stressful, but fortunately we turned out to reach difficult but amicable (as these things go) outcomes. Also, a party may retain a consulting attorney for himself or herself but keep the attorney out of the process so the mediation can progress, and the party can check in with that attorney to get comfortable that the compromises are satisfactory.
In summary, I recommend collaborative divorce to try first in a divorce. If it does not work, the parties can always do things the old-fashioned way - contesting the divorce. Even though we think of divorce as commonplace today, it is awfully painful and stressful; I do not wish it on anyone. If it is thrust upon you, and your spouse is a reasonable person that can work through matters in a businesslike way, then collaborative divorce is the best approach to an unfortunate situation.
If you are reading this and starting a divorce or have one in process, my heart is with you during these dark times. I found that focusing on happy activities really helps (a walk in the woods, a talk with a sympathetic friend, etc.), and do those activities as often as you can. I take my kids for a short hike every Sunday, and really appreciate it now more than ever. I think too of a quote from Heller Keller (who came through much worse handicaps than a mere divorce): “Keep your face to the sunshine so you don't see the shadows.”
