Until spring of 2002, I was living a normal, happy life. One night I awoke trembling, shaking uncontrollably, sweating profusely, my body kept changing from hot to cold. I felt I could not breathe. I was sure I was going to die. My wife awoke and asked if we should go to the hospital. I said no. After twenty minutes or so, the feelings subsided.
I went to my family doctor the next day. After running several tests, he concluded I had an anxiety attack. He prescribed two weeks worth of an anti-anxiety pill and told me to take it easy for a couple of days. My boss at work was very understanding and agreed to give me two days off from work. I began to feel better and returned to work.
Several nights later, the same thing happened, only worse. My heart felt like it was going a million miles an hour. I returned to the doctor the next day. He told me I had high blood pressure and prescribed a medicine, the name of which I do not recall. I had a lot of trouble getting used to the medicine, but kept taking it, hoping it would eventually help. To make a long story short, I went through four different medications, until we hit on the right one that worked for me. I felt much better. He told me I would probably have to take it for the rest of my life.
Things returned to normal for a while. I was at work one day when suddenly I felt faint and could not breathe properly. A fellow worker took me to an emergency room. We waited over an hour. I told him I felt better and did not want to wait any longer. We returned to work and everything was fine. The same thing happened the next afternoon. I decided it was time to go back to the doctor. He told me I has fibromyalgia, which mostly affects women. He prescribed a medicine that worked fine for about one year.
Things kept getting worse for me. I continued to have the attacks at night. Soon they began to come in early afternoon. I decided it was time to see another doctor. I made an appointment. This doctor told me I was having anxiety attacks, but to make sure there was nothing wrong with my heart, he sent me to a heart specialist. I took a variety of tests. He concluded my heart was fine. I returned to the new doctor with the results. He told me I was suffering from severe anxiety and prescribed an appropriate medicine. Things returned to normal.
Several weeks later, the attacks began again. This time, they came in the early afternoon again. I felt fatigued and listless. It seemed no one could figure out what was truly happening to me. The next night, I awoke to a severe attack. This time my wife insisted I go to the hospital. I stayed there for two days, while they ran every test known to mankind. Their results insisted I was having severe anxiety attacks. The doctor in charge suggested I see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist? This went against everything I had been brought up to believe. Where I came from, you had to be a nut or considered insane to see a psychiatrist. My wife finally convinced me,
I went through the phone book and settled on the name of one that my senses felt strongly toward. I made an appointment. The initial appointment took ninety minutes. I basically told him my life story. He concluded that not only was I suffering from depression and anxiety, but that I also had Post Traumatic Distress Syndrome. How could this be? I had never been in the military and thought PTDS was only for veterans who had been through extreme circumstances in battle. He suggested I quit working as my job was very stressful and only made matters worse. Reluctantly, I resigned. This led to existing only on my wife's paycheck and we struggled to get by to pay the bills. The psychiatrist also suggested I try to get disability payments. He warned me that I might not be accepted, or it may take years. Much to our surprise, I was accepted within one month and began receiving disability.
The answer to my problems lay in the fact that my father had beaten me every night and sometimes during the day. He said this had the same effect as being at war. I did not know when the severe beatings were coming and was always subconsciously in fear for my life. I took several written tests which showed that I also had depression my whole life and didn't even know. He prescribed an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pills. He told me to seek counseling to try to rid my subconscious of these feeling. The one thing that he told me that stuck in head was that this happened over a long period of time and it would take just as long to overcome.
I went to a counselor I could afford. She was a very nice lady, but was not much help. All she wanted to do was talk about my issues and this was not helping matters. I scanned the internet and discovered EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization And Reprocessing. I looked through the phone book and found only one lady doctor in our town that provided EMDR.
I made an appointment with her. After a lengthy discussion about my past, she concluded I was a perfect candidate. (EMDR is far too complicated to explain here. I strongly urge you to look it up on the internet if you feel nothing else is helping you). Much to my surprise, it began working right away. It takes you into your subconscious and I was truly amazed at the results. I began to discover problems I had never dealt with before.
Today, I still see my psychiatrist every three months for medication and I go to EDMR sessions twice per month. My life has completely changed. I am a completely different person. I have never had an anxiety attack since then and I truly enjoy life once more. If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or other despairs, I strongly suggest you seek help. You may be surprised, as I have been, that you can return to dealing with life and be happy once more.
