From what I recall, I came to reality when I realized I could no longer catch my breath. The room began to get dark and the ringing in my ears was the only sound I could hear. I was obviously in shock when I opened my eyes to find my husband holding my shoulders shaking me repeating "oh my God, oh my God". This was only the beginning of the nightmare I had begun to live. Sometimes I believe abuse victims get so caught up in defending their abusers that they cannot see the abuse themselves. In my case, my husband had to be in control of every aspect of my life, the clothes I wore, the jewelry, where I sat when we went in public, how I carried myself, and most of all the money. I had always been an independent woman until I married him. He showered me with compliments, gifts and made me feel like a queen only to be torn from my thrown six months into the marriage.
As I look back I can see that he had me brainwashed. He mentally abused me so bad that I lost all of my self-esteem. He low rated me every chance he got and called me names I had never even heard before. Every day was a constant struggle to be who he wanted me to be so that the day would go well. I remember biting my nails nervously, cleaning the house endlessly over and over, straightening furniture, checking my clothes and make up in the mirror prior to him coming home, trying to make sure everything was perfect so that the yelling wouldn't start. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. He would come in at three a.m. and drag me out of bed to cook him something to eat.
He would smell of alcohol and the scent of a strange perfume. I would then have to vacuum the floors and sweep and mop, only to get up at six a.m. and go to work while he slept. I became a broken, lifeless person with an endless mission to please him. Looking back now it is like remembering someone else's life. After five years of living with his mental and physical abuse he found another victim and fortunately decided to leave me. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Life can go on after abuse. When he left I begged him to stay, I begged for that abuse because that was all I knew, now I have to wonder why? Abuse can happen to good, innocent people and we must realize that it is not our fault.
In my case I could have never pleased him, he was the one with the problem not me. It took a few years before I trusted anyone or was able to even have any kind of relationship with another man. I still wake up at night sometimes with memories of his hands around my neck, or running from him and hiding while he drives around looking for me. Recovering is a process that takes time but it can be done. In most cases counseling is a great option, but getting out and staying out of the situation is the best way. Life does go on, and it can be wonderful again. There is happiness after abuse.
