Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs, right? Yeah, those poor, innocent, defenseless things, who never stood a chance against the big, bad, nasty wolf. That was a long time ago. Two years, actually. I've been in here ever since. Now, I know no one wants to hear what some horrible old wolf has to say, but the thing is, people only know one side of that story. They have never heard the other side of the story. My side of the story. Hey, I'm busting rocks with my face now, so the least I can do is tell everyone why.
It was a dark, and stormy night…ok so it was the middle of the afternoon but I've always wanted to say that. I was sipping my English Tea and listening to the wonderful sound of “Macho Man” on my stereo. With the Village People calming my nerves, I was able to sit down and watch my favorite TV show, Dr. Phil. I was sick with a terrible cold, and a god-awful sneeze. Just as I was getting into the part about teens with abandonment issues, my cell phone rang. It was my dear old granny, who lived down the road. She was an ancient relic, old granny was. 147 years old and still kicking! Of course, the minute I answered my phone, she began yelling (her hearing just isn't what it used to be).
“Hello?!? Wolfy?!?” screamed Granny.
“Hi Granny,” I managed to choke out in my raspy, sickly voice. “What can I do for you?”
“I need to ask you a favor,” she continued. “Can you bring me over a cup of sugar? This Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee is terrible.”
“Of course Granny,” I said sweetly. “I'll be right over.”
I clicked off Dr. Phil and proceeded to search my house for sugar. I was perplexed to find the empty bag, sitting under the cupboard under the sink. I had used the last of it in my Starbucks Latte' last week! I was sure my neighbors probably had some sugar, so I decided to borrow some. I dragged my weary carcass out the door and started off down the road, sneezing all the way, trying all the while to keep myself cheery. I was met with quite a strange sight. A beautiful, blonde girl with shiny glass slippers. She introduced herself as Slimderella. It was easy to see why, as she was about as bony as my wrinkly old granny. Her noble steed introduced himself too. Well, sort of. It wasn't a horse actually. It was a small elephant with enormous ears. Not far behind the strange duo, were seven little midgets. They also introduced themselves to me, although I almost wish they hadn't. Tiny, Horny, High, Drunk, Tripod, Geeky and Flamer. Their names suited them well too. Tiny was only two and a half feet high! Horny had too much testosterone and humped my leg several times. High was stoned out of his mind and Drunk was a just a wasted ass. Tripod had a severe penile problem that I care not to recall. Geeky recited the law of physics by heart and Flamer was gayer than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout convention. They kindly asked for directions into town. When I inquired what they needed in town, they told me that they were going to a party to see their friend Chinochio. Apparently, Chinochio's chin had grown 50 feet in length as a result of telling the truth all the time and this odd group of people were going to admire it. Eager to get away from this bizarre spectacle, I gave them the directions and hurried on my way. I was quite late now as a result, and was well on the way to my granny's house when I came across yet another distraction.
An extremely large, green ogre, walking arm and, well, wing with a large brown goose. At least, I think it was a goose. It was feathery but covered in brown fur and had large antlers protruding from its head. I came to a stop right in front of the two abominations of nature. The ogre introduced himself as Wreck. Okey doke. The feathery, brown furred, winged creature with antlers was Mother Moose. They too were on their way to town, only they were going to the Court of Law. The Honorable Judge Snow Bite was going to decide the case. Once again, I had no desire to converse any longer with these beings from a six-year-old's imagination. I gave them their directions and hurried along the way.
At last, I came to my first neighbor's house. He was a little pig, not very bright, and extremely dull-witted. He built his house out of straw for gosh sakes, which only helped to demonstrate his lack of IQ. I knocked on his door twice, which promptly fell to the ground in pieces. Not wanting to be rude and just walk into somebody else's house, I leaned in and called out to him.
