After Divorce

My life, my world and everything I knew was ripped from right under me, and nothing in this world could have prepared me for it. It left me numb with shock and bitterly afraid with insecurities. Feeling lost, confused, and humiliated to the bone. I kept asking myself "Why, what happened? I thought we were so happy. Fourteen years of marriage was bliss with all the hardships, and changes we encountered as a couple. I was terribly in love with my husband; we just fitted so well, we complimented each other in so many ways. He just came home one evening, said it was over, packed some clothes, left and never turned back. I remember the feeling, I had difficulty speaking, I asked him why? My world crumbled, the pain was unbearable. How, why, but we made wild passionate love just hours ago. I tried for so long to recapture our moments, our life, wanting to understand where I went wrong. He left me and that was a blatant statement of he's is lack of love for me. What was I suppose to do now? It felt like my other half was ripped from me. I felt alone and terribly confused, almost like a drugged state. I have been a mother and wife for 14 years. I knew how to do and be that.

So! What Now?

I felt lost and absolutely nothing made any sense. I felt I had lost me, my identity.

Perhaps I did not show him I loved him enough. I thought I was a good wife, perhaps not, am I not pretty enough.. What do I like, what are my hobbies and do I have any? Do I really like cooking? Am I a good parent, a good child, why do I not have friends? What did I do wrong? What did I not do? I changed but so did he, we had a family, three beautiful kids and moved to different countries.

I experienced so many different emotions from disappointment, anger, betrayal, pain; my heart ached all of the time. I was paralyzed, not knowing what to do with all this hurt. I put all of my energy into my kids, ensuring their stability and comfort to the best of my ability. My middle child being a boy was most affected by our separation. I tried eradicating any unnecessary emotional disruptions and so I pretended for two years that I was doing okay. Meanwhile I was dying a slow death.

Journey of re-discovering who I am.

In the last year, three years later and divorced, I am discovering a side of me I never thought existed. It is a slow release of a somewhat suppressed personality, emerging from the dark big black hole and although uncertain at times, I am accepting and embracing all of it. All of me.

Admittedly, it is scary and confusing sometimes. However, it is a process of my growth as well as getting rid of all the negativity within me. Learning to trust my inner voice and decisions that I make without questioning them later. Not to worry too much what other people say or think when it comes to doing things my way. I love writing, did not think I had it in me. I feel good and liberated. I therefore do not place much value at this stage on who likes it or not. It is my private talking session. Now this would properly be an unfair statement but often we allow people to determine whom and what we are and, which sets our limitations. We are conditioned from birth. Outside influences such as families, friends and social interaction plays a major role in personality shifting and developing. We are placed into boxes with labels and if it says Jamie, known as "Sensitive and not very intelligent." Well! That is Jamie's lot in life.

My Purpose to understand, accept who I am and work towards what I would like to become.

Our inner personal transformation can release us from victimization and birth us into personal responsible individual's owning self-love. From a stance of inner personal integrity and power, we can effectively work towards creating the world we desire and deserve. Lessons I have learned and to apply them. One of them being, the ability to forgive and not beat myself up. To use the negative emotions for the processes they provide and the lessons they teach, and then allow them to go. I now differentiate between responsibilities and over-inflated expectations of myself. I do not have to be available all the time to everyone.

I am not a super mom; I make plenty of mistakes and yeah I will properly let my kids down a million times. I deserve the best and all that is good in my life. I will take my chances at new things, face my fears head on. Be the best parent and teacher I allow myself with objectivity, love, understanding and compassion. God gifted wisdom and instinct to be my tool as it was gift to me. I have learned to say No and furthermore, I certainly do not have to explain this new attitude to anyone.

HOWEVER, I can be my fabulous self with all of my imperfections, which ultimately makes me beautiful and unique.