How many of you have asked yourself, “What is wrong with that woman for her to stay in that abusive relationship?” or have thought, “She's got to be stupid to stay with him”? I have heard these sorts of statements often, and what then wonder is whether any of these people have ever been in an abusive relationship themselves? People are quick to judge others.
I have witnessed abuse and I have worked with women who were abused. I have also worked with men who have abused women. I have learned that abusive relationships are often complicated and complex. Abusive relationships never start out this way. The abuse is slow to surface, and often catches the woman off guard.
An abusive relationship normally begins like any other relationship. There is lots of romance, and he is very kind to you. To everyone else, no one may ever suspect he was or is abusive. The relationship is going so well that you may mistaken his strong feelings to want to be with you all the time as simply his loving to spend time with you. You may mistake his isolation of you as his “over-protectiveness”.
Women get caught in the cycle of abuse, a term many have heard before I am sure. The cycle can be explained like this, first as I have explained; the relationship is just as any other. Everything is going very well but then something happens that makes her think twice. He may make a comment about the clothes she is wearing, or question where she was.
She may brush it off; figure maybe it's a bad day. By this time, she has fallen in love with him. As many of you have experienced, love can really be blind sometimes. You tend to let a lot of things go, because the infatuation you feel is so strong.
At this point, more problems begin to arise in the relationship. Now it seems these little comments or problems are happening more regularly, or the little problems have become big problems. He has gone from asking her who called, to checking her messages. But this is not the man she fell in love with right? He must be going through a bad time.
The abuse escalates, and it may only remain at the emotional level. At this level, he may be calling her fat; trying to control what she does and who she sees; making her feel guilty when she does anything without him; withholding affection or love because she did something he did not like; accuses her of trying to attract other men; etc. There is a problem in the relationship when you feel guilty even speaking to another man…even if you are just looking for directions. He will blame her for what he says and does.
It is so subtle the way the abuse creeps up on her that she begins to question herself. Maybe she is too flirty? Maybe she does not cook well enough? Maybe no one else would want her? The abusive partner makes her feel bad about who she is and what she does. Emotional abuse may not leave physical scars or injuries, but the scars to your heart are much deeper. Emotional abuse eats away at your very soul. It clips your wings and feelings of freedom, and breaks down your spirit. This is what the abusive partner wants, because now it is easier to control her. Now she is being brainwashed.
Physical abuse is much more obvious, but can also have its subtleties. Physical abuse is nearly, if not always, accompanied by emotional abuse. Physical abuse can range from throwing objects, to punching the walls, to hitting their partner. During this point of the relationship, just as with emotional abuse, the abused woman begins to “tip toe” around her partner. Being very careful of what she says or does not to anger her partner.
She may try to go out with her friends and he may grab her by the hair to keep her back. Or maybe during sex he pressures her or guilt trips her into performing sex acts she does not like or is not comfortable with. Emotional abuse may accompany this by using threats to leave her or cheat on her with someone who is willing to do these things (which are either empty threats, or he would cheat on her anyways).
Physical and emotional abuse are fueled by many things. Often people who abuse do not know how to deal with their anger or their self-esteem issues. Men (and people in general) who feel the need for a high level of control over their partners often do so because they are afraid. Afraid that if you go out without them, you will find another man (because deep inside, he feels he lacks in some way).
