With More Women Raising Children On Their Own, It Is Time To Embrace Single Motherhood
When 4-year-old Jordan spent the night at a friend's house, he looked up at his friend's father and asked, “Why are you still here? That's weird! Don't you have a home?” From Jordan's perspective, what's not weird at all is a household where it's just he and mom. Where Jordan is man of the house.
Jordan is not the only one who may be a little confused about a father who lives at home. More than 10 million mothers today are raising children on their own in America. And although some may feel a sadness for a child who either does not have or live with a father, family psychologist Caren Ludmer of San Francisco says, “I do think children do not tend to miss what they never had. Kids adapt to whatever the situation is. They are resilient.” Because of the greater emotional availability, what kids from a single-mother household like Jordan's certainly do not miss is a lot of love and attention, says Ludmer, a single mom herself.
“For me and my son, and I certainly see this in other single-parent families, the strength of the bond is really special and is probably more diluted in dual-parent families,” Ludmer says. Ludmer and her 11-year-old son, Antonio, have a close relationship. Many wonderful aspects of either being a single mother or being raised by a single mother can overcome the hardships. Promise!
Being Friends and Other Perks
Because you're spending so much time together, you become friends, companions, Ludmer says. “It's not to say I wouldn't be close to [Antonio] if his dad and I had stayed together, but it's just particularly close. Times that I might have gotten a babysitter because I could be doing stuff with my husband, were time I spent with my son.” Because Antonio has been so involved in his mother's life, he has benefited from the exposure to adult-type situations. “Being in the company of adults gave him an opportunity to mature,” Ludmer says.
Now that Antonio is older, there are a lot more activities Ludmer enjoys with her son including playing tennis, or bowling together or going to movies. “As he gets older, we watch movies I actually enjoy, not just kid movies,” Ludmer says. A year ago, the two decided to get a dog, and “even though I do most of the work, it's a great thing we share together,” Ludmer says. Also, Antonio has been taking French at school - so the two speak with one another in that language.
What else is wonderful for a single mother is that she gets to set rules and values that she finds to be important for her child without a second voice overriding it. For instance, Ludmer says she is able to have her son more actively involved with Judaism than if she were still married. Although Antonio's father, who is not of Jewish faith, agreed to raise Antonio Jewish, Ludmer feels she and her son would not have been as involved in Judaism as they are now. The synagogue is a place where Antonio has found positive male role models to look up to.
Getting to know your child on such a close level is a wonderful thing, but remember that it's easy to cross boundaries. It's a challenge, says Ludmer, because there isn't another adult in the house to dileniate the point that we're not equals. It shifts and sometimes instead of a parent we're like peers, she says. “It has to be clear to him that yea of course we hang out and do a lot of fun stuff together, but I'm still your mother.”
Finding Your Identity as a Single Mom
Having your child be your best friend is wonderful, but sometimes the heartfelt smiles and good times do not suffice in getting you through the not-so-good times. One option is finding a single-mother community, which may not only be necessary, but also beneficial. Ludmer joined Parents Place in San Francisco when Antonio was less than 1 year old. She gained support and made life-long friends. “Making connections with other single mothers definitely has been positive, and at times, a lifesaver,” Ludmer says.
Single-mother communities can be found in your area, or online. After Andrea Engber, a single mom, was tired of reading articles on how to be “SuperMom” by getting your spouse to pitch in more, she decided to do something about it. In 1991, she began a newsletter called “Single Mother” and founded the National Organization of Single Mothers (NOSM), which today reaches more than 30,000 single moms. “Surely I was not the only one who didn't have a hubby to take out the trash,” Engber said.
