Interview Questions You Should Ask a Prospective Coworker

In this day and age of a Human Resources Department in a far distant land interviewing people for your new cube neighbor, I say the current residents of Cubeville be allowed to ask the really important questions. Who cares if she/he can type 100 wpm or set up a spreadsheet in a nanosecond, if that person is one of the most annoying creatures on the face of the earth? After all, the residents of Cubeville are the ones who will have to suffer with the newbie for eight hours a day until finally going totally insane, wigging out and losing the crumby job you hated anyway…

Do you clip your nails at work?

Living in the cube environment, not only is the sound disgusting, but also those nails can fly over a cube wall like a guided missile. Realizing that I was under attack by the new guy in the cube next door, I quickly had to cover my coffee and Danish to prevent contamination, while trying not to get my eye put out!

Do you have a desire to bond with your coworkers?

Take a good look around the office. What percent of these people come in with a hang over? Now take a good look at the working moms who either have their home nanny cam on their screen all day, or are on the phone screaming at the babysitter. Then there is a percentage of office workers either looking for a relationship either to replace the one they have, or for one to have on the sly. Do not be naïve; there are always some in every office. Then there is the group who live to stampede the hallways to the vending machines every morning and load up on 4000 calories to make it through to lunch. Do not forget the brown-nosers, or the ones who are just miserable human beings. These people do not want to bond with you. Nor do they want to come in ½ hour early every day to meet with you on a spiritual level. There will not be group hugs, or “sharing”.

Are you a “Holiday” person?

Are you on Hallmarks' mailing list for every conceivable holiday on this planet? Do you use your attic to store all your “office” decorations? Have you been banned from any dollar store for scaring small children while grabbing every hokey decoration in the place? Do you buy Santa hats for all your coworkers and beg them to wear these fuzzy, fun filled hats every day from Thanksgiving until Christmas? Do you have 30 Christmas sweaters with matching earrings? Do you insist Christmas carols be played for 8 hours a day, every day? Perhaps living in Cubeville is not for you. Have you considered a job at Macy's?

Is your voice mail greeting longer than the Gettysburg Address?

When another resident in Cubeville has the misfortune of having to call you, do they have to suffer through the following:

“Hello. You have reached Ms. Kimberly Suzanne Washington-Castrogiovanni, Senior Executive Administrative Assistant to Ms. Evelyn Grace Worthington-Warrington, Vice President of Research and Development in the Department of Complete Insanity, because by now you have left your phone and run off screaming due to the length of this voice mail greeting, but if by some chance you are still there, you may leave a message at the tone and I will gladly return your call just as soon as I finish my other call or return to my desk. Just leave your name, number, the time and a brief message, oh and have a great and blessed day! We have all heard them and have wanted to climb right through the phone and rip their lips off! Why do they do it? Is it a plot by our enemies to drive us insane? It is no longer a drive; it's more of a short putt…

Does your entire family call your cellphone nonstop all day?

Do you have the most annoying ring tone you could possibly find? Despite answering it 50 times a day, you still forget where you left the phone and have to fumble finding it, while the rest of Cubeville is subjected to the ring tone of the Dukes' of Hazard? Must your relatives call you at work and ask, “What ya are you doin?” to which you must reply, “nuthin”? Yes, we all know that you are not working, how could you be when you are on your cellphone all day.

Are you coffee making challenged?

The drink of choice in Cubeville is coffee. A rule of the community is, if you take the last cup, make another pot of coffee. Sounds simple, doesn't it? It has taken the Cubeville community years of training to make sure all of the citizens are completely trained in the art of pouring a pot of water into the coffee maker and putting fresh grounds in the basket. No excuses, no lapses in memory, no burning pots left on, no office fires!

Do you bring your daily spending money with you every day?

Do not expect to be getting loans from the citizens of Cubeville. We no longer fall for that one. If you cannot remember to bring your own lunch or your lunch money, have the adult in charge of your supervision put it in your pocket before you leave home.

Are all of your relatives involved in any of the “work part time from home and make millions” selling schemes?

Cubeville has a no littering policy pertaining to those brochures advertising worthless junk that we already have filling the rooms of our homes. We have all been exposed to those folks that have either a mother, daughter, husband, 3rd cousin, or neighbor who wants you to hustle more Avon, Mary Kay, Amway, gift wrap, cookie dough or other stuff on your unsuspecting coworkers. Do not do it, you will quickly be shunned in Cubeville.