The “Surreal Life”

I stuck out like a sore thumb. I always felt like an infiltrator. Just imagine living with 30 recovering addicts of crack, heroin, cocaine, marijuana, pills and alcohol-that now have to settle with very strong nicotine addictions or legally prescribed narcotics.

After a day or two, new clients were asking me the infamous question “Why are you here?” I would always reply with “how will my answer make your life better.” I never got a response. In those instances I was so thankful to God that I never desired drugs. Regardless, I felt like I was surrounded by insanity- (by choice).

The emotional outbursts at times made living with these recovering addicts akin to the thawing out of frozen food. Many of the women would share that they have been emotionally numb for so long- their feelings were practically anesthetized. As they began to defrost of un-experienced emotions, un-healed pain, and un-resolved issues - just like frozen food-there was an unevenness of area's that were “melting” faster than others. There was definitely a lack of tact when certain emotions were provoked. Paradoxically, just when we think the food is completely thawed out-we always find an area deep in the center that's still frozen solid.

Group meetings consistently reminded me of the disheartening fact that the battle of addiction is life and death for these clients. Remembering that God told me to choose the “Nest” caused such fracas in my mind. I didn't want to come to the “Nest.” To make matters worst, my counselor, a recovering addict who has had over 10 years clean time, told me that she has never had a client like me-so she has to make up some kind of care plan. Despite the fact that her evaluation and the computer generated Alcohol & Drug counseling evaluation says that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) that is used at the treatment center was not required and will not be effective. Also, my probation officer couldn't understand why I was assigned to do community service in a Rehab center, especially when it was not specifically ordered in my paperwork by the judge.

Some of the clients would contemptuously insinuate that I hardly ever shared in-group. Well I had good reason, I was in shock-albeit my reservations to share at all. I just could not identify with this disease they call addiction and why it had arrested their souls. I have never wanted, needed, nor desired out of carnality to use drugs to numb my feeling. I don't like taking pain pills/aspirin, I am scared of needles; and my nose was created to excrete mucus and act as a first line of defense for my body. I don't need to “Zone” out like a zombie.

It mystified me how some of the clients believe in God, quote the word of God; but in the face of adversity, pain, trouble, and sadness -the first place they run to is the dope man. He can't solve their problems-neither can the high they got from the drugs. And although addicts can purchase legally prescribed narcotic drugs without a prescription from the dope man; it's a medical fact that over time narcotic medical drugs have adverse affects on the body as well.

Clients would become boisterous if they didn't get a smoke break every hour. And if clients didn't get one before breakfast (6:30am), unsettling would be an understatement. One day the monitor told everyone they had to shower and brush their teeth before getting a smoke... all hell broke loose that morning. I don't even smoke!

Every morning we had to attend morning inspiration, which consisted of introductions, self-expression, songs, inspiring words, stories, and poems. Initially it was such a pestering irritation to hear daily someone express that they were in a “Bad Space.” It bothered me, because it was as if they had a permissive excuse to act irresponsibly. I would wonder is anyone ever in a “Good Space” around here. In the real world no one cares if you are in a good or bad space. However as the days passed by, I would just say a prayer and ask God to ease their pain so that they could have a good day-and use me if I could be a source of inspiration that day.

I remember one Saturday the cook poured the icing mix in the cake pans and started baking them for about 15mins before he realized his mistake. He looks at me and says “this is what happens to a mind on drugs.” I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. First of all my job detail was permanent pot washer-so of course I am responsible for cleaning all these pans and mixers quick, so he can un-do his mix-up. Secondly, I just thought to myself “what else is new around here chef”. I didn't have the heart to say “sorry chef - I can't relate, but I can tell you what stress and impulse decisions can lead you to mixing-up”- so I just kept quiet.

It was so hard to express that it tore me apart to hear the heart shattering stories of how drug addictions had destroyed their lives and the lives of their families. Often after hearing their stories in group, I couldn't blame them for trying to escape.

At the helm of my realization that it was going to be a long 60days, most of my confusion and frustration lied with God. I knew that I was no better than any of these women, but why did I feel like an alien.

The Reason for the Season

God revealed to me that, I was launched on a learning and sanctification assignment for his ministry work. I had forgotten that I had asked God to give me a new life and let me be an example to show others how to do the same.

This revelation never absolved the feelings that-“God I have never abused drugs and I don't abuse alcohol - so how am I going to survive in a Rehab.” Well, soon after I realized that God uses ordinary people to magnify his extraordinary power. Moses didn't want his assignment either, as a matter of fact he told God that he is not eloquent, he has a slow tongue -(KJV). Jonah tried to shirk his assignment. Yet God used him to lead a pagan nation to repentance. Jesus never said God's work was easy. Noah was an alcoholic, but was obedient to God-albeit the cynicism, mockery and perplexing expressions when building the boat.

It was further revealed to me by my heavenly creator that I will spend these next 60 days understanding what it means to be transformed and receive a new life to serve God. There are people like myself that believe in God and consistently want all of God's blessings, yet don't want to consistently follow all of God's commandments. Well there are people who believe they can recover from drug/alcohol addictions and want to stay clean, but they don't want to go through the process of total recovery.

The Assignment

From time to time, clients uttered comments that I spent too much time in the kitchen. I was the only permanent pot washer - where else should I be! For me it was a place of quiet time with God. With every new day I began to understand that for most addicts there are deep wounds that have to be healed. They wanted a new life, just like I had asked God for.

During one of the weekly didactic sessions “Relapse and Recidivism,” the facilitator, who surprisingly, always started class with a prayer-spoke about isolation as a common characteristic amongst addict's. Then he glances over at me. He further alludes to observing me read a magazine during the first time I attended class- “this is the perfect illustration of an addict who doesn't want to recover and who will relapse- so everybody needs to help her out.” I guess there was some truth to his statement; however he probably forgot that the first day he met me I told him I was there for community service! Step #1 in the NA Book says that addicts have to acknowledge that they are helpless and their lives are unmanageable due to their addictions. He probably brushed off my response as “Denial,” one of the characteristics of a grieving addict.

Sometimes rehab time is just “rest” time clarified the brutally honest, intelligent and loquacious addict Joan. She has been on drugs since she was 25 and now that she is 55 she is ready to recover and stay clean- she's tired. She told me that she knows the bible has all the answers she needs, but it is only God that has kept her this long through the numerous treatment centers, and relapses. Also God has maintained her good health, a relationship with her child, joy and most of her teeth! Now she has her mind made up and her heart is fixed to start praying more, reading the bible, going to church and to NA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous).

This particular women's Rehabilitation center was great for those women who wanted to recover. Some of the women had been in an average of 4-6 treatment centers before coming to the “Nest.” I was saddened at the inability for women to “stick and stay.” I stayed in order to see Gods destiny in my life manifest. However many of the clients would violate the rules with just 2 weeks before completion, or 4 days, or even the day before discharge. Slowly it became clearer that despite fear, or anxiety, if ones desire for life is fervent-receiving God's omniscient guidance for total recovery was available.

The rules were stressful at times, but I understood it's apart of recovery. The food was healthy and the staff genuinely cared and wanted the best for every woman that walked through the doors. They had graduation ceremonies weekly, which really inspired and unconsciously sowed seeds of love and strength for the clients to leave with. Activities such as fashion shows and hair shows also helped to uplift self-esteem and self worth.

If it were not for the weekly church services, bible study and teaching ministries that consistently came to the center to spread Gods word and provide spiritual encouragement, I could not have made it through the monotonous daily routines- that are essential for the recovery process.

At NA/AA meetings I always felt it would be inappropriate to say anything because I was green. So I kept silent. One client asked me if I was in the “Witness Protection Program” because of my constant silence. I didn't know how to respond.

The Comparison

Every day living in the Rehab, taught me that trusting in God is easier said then done. It's sad to think that trusting in God can be intangible even for some believers. They unconsciously desire something more touchable and visible to hold on to. Subsequently, the equivalent way of thinking is sometimes shared by some drug addicts-except they opt to trust in drugs. While some believers opt for food, busyness, money, religious rituals, sexual perversion, or the pastor.

God would ring my ear with these words “I give you power to choose, some human beings that don't want me until they feel they need me or when everything else fails. The other idols they choose destroy them faster or slower. Idols will eventually come to demise. I am Everlasting, Eternal, Omniscient, Overflowing, Abundant... I NEVER RUN OUT. You don't have to kill or steal to get more of me. I am ENOUGH, I am all you need. Some realize it early in life and some later in life. I will keep you going - I still protect my creation without them even knowing.”

My flesh still desired to hear another human corroborate my feelings. So I asked God to lead me to an addict that I could query. Addiction was so intriguing to me; I was ashamed to feel like I doubted God. But then again maybe I was. However, God in his infinite mercy didn't allow me to feel guilty about the need to get another perspective or to “verify” with another human being. God just protected my heart. Well I was led to one of the monitors who was very spiritual; she always brought me spiritual books to read and faithfully woke me for my early morning prayer on her scheduled work nights. Since she was a recovering addict I asked her why a belief in God inadequately cures an addiction to drugs. All she said was-“the key is FAITH.” I knew that! She further elaborated that “we ask God to help us in our addictions, yet we waver in our faith to believe that he is capable. And also, so we do not act on faith by completely turning away from sin.”

Notwithstanding my lack of exposure to the world of drug addiction, I always sensed that healing was taking place in the process of sharing at the NA/AA group meetings. I guess that's the beauty of fellowship in any religion or with NA/AA meetings. When it's about life and prolonging it, there is a spirit of God, whose life force is so powerful that it overtakes the pulse of the gathering. And when you get just a taste of it- it's like you immediately receive peace as well as healing.

Just like being clean and recovering from drugs are two different things as well. Similarly, an addict needs to go to a treatment center, like a Christian needs to go to church to “plug in.” Fellowship disrupts the deception and destruction that can take place in an isolated or alienated mind. You just can't read the bible at home exclusively or read the NA/AA book at home solely.

The devil wants to kill us and prevent us from getting close to God through having good health, wealth, functional families, non-addictive behavior and by way of fellowship with others.

This experience enlightened me to the fact that hearing the preacher praise God is not enough to live a righteous life. We have to give up something; the “old man” must die. That's what Jesus Christ taught us in order to have a new life in God. Sometimes a new life in God may require letting go of jobs, cars, houses, family or anything that keeps our focus off of God. Ironically, I have learned that if one is addicted to drugs, eventually you will lose your job, car, home, or family anyway!

In the NA/AA meetings it was emphasized that recovery is a life long process and one must surrender and accept that fact; i.e. Step 6- "we are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." The NA/AA book must be read and practiced daily. One must testify to other addicts; i.e. Step 12-'having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.' All of these doctrines sound like what the word of God emphasizes for the lives of believers. And anybody who wants a new life in God must apply God's commandments in every aspect of living- just like the NA/AA techniques of recovery have to be applied.

The parable Jesus spoke about in Luke 8 of the Farmer and sowing seed was a great analogy to help me understand the role of the rehabilitation center-even in my life.

• First comparison, the farmer scattered seed on the ground-birds ate it, people walked on it. People receive a good sermon, good preacher, and great gospel songs; but unfortunately they go back to their old life. Client comes to rehab center-eats well, gets cleaned up, but absconds before completion.
• Second comparison, some of the seeds scattered fell on rocky places. As a result of no water the plants dried up. People get excited about the word of God, but don't apply it in their lives-so conversely when temptation comes, they fall apart. Client comes to rehab 30, 60, or 90 days-rested but never attended nor applied the recovery techniques of NA/AA meetings. Immediate relapse is inevitable-they just wanted to rest.
• Third comparison, some of the seeds fell on thorns, so the thorns grew with it and crowded out the plants. People get the word of God, but go back to same old friends, surroundings, and temptations. Now they become overwhelmed and their thinking gets twisted. The client goes to the rehab, gets clean and is so excited about it. However they also return back to the old neighborhood people, friends, and temptations. Problems begin to occur and again the reality of relapse is foreseeable.
• The final comparison, some of the other seed fell on good soil, grows up and produces a crop 100 times more than the farmer planted. People get the word of God, press in on living and walking in that word, fellowship, serve, repent, testify, and cut out everything in their lives that weakens their growing rapport with God. They are blessed, and transformed beyond human explanation. The client successfully completes the rehab program, stays clean, begins to work their recovery by going to meetings daily, testifying, serving, and completely turning away from all old ways. Hence, their result is a life long clean/recovery time and restoration of so many things that were loss during their addiction.

Wrapping up

I pray that part of my purpose for experiencing the nest helped make it easier for someone else to “stick and stay.” I did in spite of my non-addiction to drugs. I wanted to be renewed, so I had to stand on the word of God-and completely surrender. I am grateful to the glory of God for all the women I met. They have helped to transform my life and I hope I had an impact on theirs. Perhaps someone through observing me learned to trust God again.

Whatever the case may be, I am reminded of the story of Ruth in the bible. Naomi was so annoyed with God, dejected and distraught over losing her sons and husband. Ruth stuck with Naomi despite her attitude and innuendos. And in the end Ruth helped Naomi to trust God again with increased faith. Everything in life really happens for a reason.

Jesus had an unquenchable yearning to take others with him to God; he knew God gave us the power to chose-not to acquiesce to deadly desires. We are supposed to worship God, love people and use things. I have seen that when people choose to use drugs, they have not only given way to sin, but they have opened up their bodies to be possessed and overthrown by evil. So now they worship things, use people and God is out of the picture.

When we desire things from God, we can't decide how they should manifest. However, we must “plug in” daily by declaring who God is in our lives and why we need God. The lives we lead when we believe in God have a different reflection when we know why we need God.

The love, need and fear of the Lord makes us want to maintain our relationship with God because we truly appreciate his grace and protection of us. I've also learned that out of thanksgiving to God we are delighted to clean up our destructive behaviors and we are free from the bondage of guilt, shame or even addiction.

The “Nest” sowed seeds in me as well. We can't box in God's process for making us better servants for his glory and magnification. All sinful behavior can never cease at once, but if we commence to put it in regression -we begin to move higher in total healing. If we ignore sin or think addictions will just disappear be prepared because it won't- but it will metastasize like cancer.

I could sense that my presence made some people feel uncomfortable. Clients would make jokes of my being a spy. As a matter of fact, in my last counseling session my counselor stated teasingly “so now tell me are you really DEA, FBI, or CIA?” We both laughed. Nonetheless she knew the experience was priceless and unforgettable. As I have been educated, being saved and surrendering your life to God does not mean that we as human beings don't have evil thoughts or carnal desires. However living a carnal life only reflects our choice to please self rather than God.

I am truly thankful to every ministry that encouraged me to obey God's plan at hand. These ministries are among many who continue to go out in to the world as Jesus did to spread the good news of Gods everlasting love. “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!” (Romans 10:15)

Special thanks to Altar of Grace International, Perfecting Church, Shiloh Deliverance Church, True Love Evangelistic Ministries, The Urban Alternative, and Ever Increasing Word Ministries, Word of Faith International Christian Center, BVOV-KCM Ministries and After Christ Christian Center.

I have always fancied the “ What I Know For Sure” column in O Magazine, however it was not until my eyes, heart, soul and mind stretched forth from this life experience that I could boldly say- “I knew anything for sure.” Thus in view of that, “ what I now know for sure… is that believing in God is more than enough-even if you just want a new life. But you must unequivocally have the faith of a little tiny mustard seed.”

And that's a W.R.A.P (Women Recovering Addictions Program).

Since 1973, this country has spent billions of tax dollars in what some consider being a practice in futility. The original and noble intention stated was to protect and preserve the health and well-being of each citizen in our society. Yet, treatment was never the intention and the disease model was never the theory, approach, or mindset. In efforts to stop the influx of drugs to this country, the United States proclaimed war on the inanimate and passed legislation intended to enforce this legislation by any means it deems appropriate. The United States once again proving it learned nothing from history in matters of prohibition. This was not a new concept. Yet, the United States intends force to be a means with which it can stop the spread of drugs and reduce the number of abusers and addicts within our American society. It intended to engage in practices aimed at reducing supply in this country. Now even Mexico recognizes this is an impossible task given demand remains high. Of course, The strategy has proven itself -flawed at best.

Clearly, the Nixon Administration vision did not adequately consider the rules of underground players and smugglers. Market strategies intending to limit supply and demand of an already prohibited substance is beyond the control of governmental forces. More to the point, an open market is for the buying and selling of legitimate products and goods. Such rules can not be applied to illegitimate products. The strategies aimed at supply reduction disregard the illicit nature of narcotics. Again, fair market rules do not apply to underground goods. Meaning, in spite of efforts, the application of market strategy on illicit goods will not be honored by drug cartels. These groups have their own established rules of engagement which neither acknowledge nor regard normal rules of society with law enforcement as the only exception. Illicit goods do not seek an open market due to their prohibited nature alone. Any attempt by government to the contrary is to suggest that anything and nothing short of decriminalizing the product will result in failure because a government cannot regulate that which it prohibits [1]

This is a fundamental rule and the black market will demonstrate much to the same. The only way in which to apply real market strategies of supply and reduction is to change the criminal status of the sales transaction. Economically speaking, the black market is an underground economy free of the rules of fair play and governmental regulation of the legitimate markets. No amount of effort will change this specific blanket of immunity that attaches to underground transactions until their sheer and illicit nature is changed. Thus, it is safe to suggest that policy in the United States is incorrect in attempting to apply such strategies as the supply reduction approach because the fundamental nature will not attach to an illicit good.

In the “War on drugs” despite efforts of law enforcement agencies and billions of dollars spent, it is no closer to a success than it was at any other time in history. In fact, the “War on Drugs” was closer to winning before it started than it is at the present. Americans currently purchase and consume an estimated 35% - 60% of the entire production of illicit drugs in the world [2]. In spite of the original and noble intention to protect and preserve the health and well-being of each citizen, the methods applied in the ongoing battle have proven themselves dismal failures. The only reality confirmed in the current prohibition of drugs and drug abuse specifically is that psychoactive drugs -those with mind altering properties- are firmly engrained in the fabric of our Nation just as alcohol and cigarettes, the two most commonly abused, yet, legal drugs.

Footnotes

1.Thomas, Tonya. (2004) “Harm Production vs. Harm Reduction”. Unpublished theory as it relates to Government policy in the “War on Drugs”.

2.Federal Government Spending & Privately funded studies all report different findings. This estimate is based on all in an attempt to fairly represent the amount of drugs used in American society.